News + Notes

Dalton Ross's Hit List

1
LINDSAY LOHAN DOLL IN THE WORKS
More exciting are the kick-ass accessories. Wacky Daddy Lohan doll even comes with his own jail cell! (Cellmate ''Tiny'' sold separately.)

2
ICE CUBE AND MARK MCGRATH TO PLAY IN CELEB HOOPS GAME DURING NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND
Oh, oh, I wanna play! That way I can bust out some super-lame trash talk, like ''Yo, Mark, here's your Extra — you suck!'' And then he can beat the snot out of me. Probably while dunking.

3
NEW MENUDO WILL BE FORMED VIA A TV CONTEST
Hmmm, how do you say ''really, really crappy idea'' in Spanish?

4
BRUCE WILLIS ANNOUNCES DIE HARD 4.0
Great title! Love the technology vibe. In fact, in its honor, I think I'll skip the theater and just illegally download the entire film to my desktop.

5
ROB SCHNEIDER TAKES OUT FULL-PAGE AD REFUTING CLAIM THAT HE IS A ''THIRD-RATE COMIC''
I'm actually with Rob on this one. I saw both The Animal and The Hot Chick, and those were definitely fourth-rate at best.

6
FOX TO AIR STARS WITHOUT MAKEUP
Promised are ''action stars floundering on the beach,'' which is code for ''set your TiVo.''

7
CHEECH AND CHONG REUNITE AT U.S. COMEDY ARTS FESTIVAL
I wasn't there, but I'm guessing this reunion also included a very special appearance by one Mr. Bud. First name: Kind.

8
ABC PLANS MOVIE ON DONALD TRUMP
Rob Schneider, you score this role, I bump you up to second-rate — immediately.

9
J. LO PERFORMS DUET WITH MARC ANTHONY AT THE GRAMMYS
She didn't exactly seem all that excited about it. I mean, the woman started brushing her hair at one point while being serenaded. And her hair was already perfectly brushed!

10
JOSE CANSECO TALKS 'ROIDS
If you can't trust a guy who had a baseball bounce off his head for a home run, who can you trust?

Originally posted Feb 21, 2005 Published in issue #808 Feb 25, 2005 Order article reprints
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