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Stupid Questions

Tom Selleck is more than a man with a mustache. He's a man with a mustache who once cracked cases and skulls on Magnum, P.I. Who changed diapers in Three Men and a Baby. Who seduced Monica on Friends. And who, on Feb. 20, will play a small-town cop trying to solve a series of murders in CBS' Stone Cold. (And this time, the mustache has a special costar — chin hair.) Let's see if he can survive a close shave with some Stupid Questions.

We like the goatee in Stone Cold. Ever think of experimenting with another form of facial hair, like, say, a mustache? The goatee is an affectation. It's very 21st century. But the mustache is real. I need it to cover up my prison tattoo.

I'm sorry — prison tattoo? I made that up. I just want you to watch my show. I've been given the unenviable role of going against the juggernaut that is Desperate Housewives. So I'll do or say anything to get people to watch.

After shaving your 'stache for In & Out, did you get phantom-mustache syndrome? I did. I'd be mid-conversation and start playing and twisting with this phantom mustache. Everyone's too polite to say anything. They just think I have no control over my arms.

Who had shorter shorts in the early '80s: Daisy Duke or Magnum? David Duke?

Sure, David Duke. I don't know what he was wearing, but for the record, Magnum's shorts are totally correct for that period. A lot of goofy basketball players are running around with big baggy shorts. You know what a big baggy short does for a guy?

No, but don't feel the need to tell me. It gives you a huge rash. Let's just say it's not a good thing.

In Three Men and a Baby, what happened to the baby? Or, more importantly, what happened to Steve Guttenberg? I'll tell you what happened to those [twin] babies. Steve, Ted [Danson], and I bought them college funds . . . It's hard when you're acting with a baby because you do all the scenes with a doll, and then they come in and everything you rehearsed changes.

Is practicing with a doll now part of your acting routine? Only on Friends. But it was larger and inflatable.

So, getting back to the topic of the Goot. Tell us one thing we don't know about him. The Goot-Man? Steve was our idol. He can go up to a woman on a date and take her away from a guy and somehow the guy still likes him. He's got the gift, man.

You were originally offered the role of Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you had taken it . . . Wait. Wait. Wait. If CBS had allowed me to take it instead of forcing me to do a show called Magnum, P.I.

Sounds like we need to do a little therapy here. Are we waking up in the middle of the night . . . Screaming that I'm going to get even? At least I still have my Steven Spielberg ''You can work for me anytime'' get-out-of-jail-free card. I don't know if he remembers writing it, though.

Any plans on the ''getting even'' front? I'm doing a pilot for CBS called Frontier Proctologist. It's about a doctor that travels around from town to town with rubber gloves and very big hands.

Originally posted Feb 21, 2005 Published in issue #808 Feb 25, 2005 Order article reprints
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