Sound Bites

Sound Bites

TV's funniest quotes from April 5 to 11, 2005 -- We pick our favorite quips from talk shows and sitcoms

''I'll mess you up just for giggles. But first, I want to watch the movie.'' NORA (GARCELLE BEAUVAIS-NILON) TO A FELLOW AIR PASSENGER, ON EYES

''You had Laotian convicts sewing casual wear for two cents an hour. Don't you think you deserve a time-out?'' GABRIELLE (EVA LONGORIA) TO HER JAIL-BOUND HUSBAND, CARLOS (RICARDO ANTONIO CHAVIRA), ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

''The View cohost Elisabeth Hasselbeck gave birth Wednesday to a baby girl. And Barbara Walters has reportedly already harvested the baby's soul so she can continue to live forever.'' TINA FEY ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

''Well, gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at spring break would be Mom.'' GOB (WILL ARNETT), ON GETTING HIS MOTHER (JESSICA WALTER) DISCHARGED FROM AN ALCOHOL REHAB CLINIC, ON ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

''Al Gore announced that he is creating an independent cable TV network called Current that will be aimed at 18-to-34-year-olds and focus on technology, culture, fashion, television, music, politics, parenting, and the environment. Uh, even his cable channel won't shut up.'' AMY POEHLER, ON SNL

''Jim, you think he's with Jesus now? We only have 30 seconds.'' LARRY KING, TO ACTOR JIM CAVIEZEL (THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST) AFTER THE DEATH OF POPE JOHN PAUL II, ON LARRY KING LIVE

''That was your best male performance.'' PAULA ABDUL TO CONTESTANT CONSTANTINE MAROULIS, ON AMERICAN IDOL.

''Watch the beak.'' CASTAWAY TOM TO TEAMMATE IAN AFTER SCARFING DOWN AN EMBRYONIC DUCKLING, ON SURVIVOR: PALAU

''I hope they find the credit card so I don't have to find an aluminum bat and break somebody's kneecaps.'' CONTESTANT CHRIS, WHO HAS ANGER-MANAGEMENT ISSUES, ON THE APPRENTICE

''All right, ottoman, work with me! You're sexy. Get nasty. Work with me, ottoman.'' SETH COHEN (ADAM BRODY), TAKING POLAROIDS OF AN ANTIQUE FOOTSTOOL FOR A CHARITY AUCTION, ON THE O.C.

''Pfizer, the company that makes Viagra, reported that profits went down 6 percent last year. Afterwards Pfizer said, 'I'm sorry, this has never happened before.''' CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''Truly, I do not know what Sarah W.'s last name is. But it could absolutely stand for wicked, witch. I don't know about worm. Definitely weasel.'' BACHELORETTE KRISILY, DISCUSSING A RIVAL ON THE BACHELOR

Originally posted Apr 18, 2005 Published in issue #816 Apr 22, 2005 Order article reprints