Speech Therapy

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No matter how excited you are by the competitors in the fourth season of American Idol, don't even try to pretend that you find anything fresh in the vocabulary of judges Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell. The Dawg's unintelligible rambling, Paula's giddy compliments (will she utter one — just one! — honest opinion?), and Simon's recycled metaphors have all become embarrassingly stale. So that's why you're needed — to raise, or at least play with, the level of discussion.

On the following pages, pick from a variety of salutations, metaphors, and emotional states — some of which are new to the judges and some of which they use 5 or 10 times per night. Then see if the speech you generate is any better, or at least funnier, than the usual banter. To paraphrase Paula, do your best, and we'll be so proud of you.