Television

Sound Bites

TV's funniest quotes from May 15 to 22, 2005 -- We pick our favorite quips from talk shows and sitcoms

''After my divorce, I was so depressed, it was all I could do to finish 11th grade.'' GINA (DREA DE MATTEO) ON JOEY

''Think about something unpleasant. Disease. Famine. Hoboes.'' BREE (MARCIA CROSS) TO GEORGE (ROGER BART), AFTER HE BECOMES EMBARRASSINGLY AROUSED, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

''This chorus is the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity.'' DALE (JOHNNY HARDWICK), MOCKING THE MEN'S CHORUS BILL (STEPHEN ROOT) SINGS IN, ON KING OF THE HILL

''It was reported today that the FCC is unlikely to investigate Paula Abdul over allegations she had sex with an American Idol contestant. A spokesperson for the FCC said, 'Being Paula Abdul is punishment enough.''' CONAN O'BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT

''You did this. Not your mother. Be man enough to own up to it. She would have been.'' GABRIELLE (EVA LONGORIA) TO HUSBAND CARLOS (RICARDO ANTONIO CHAVIRA) AFTER DISCOVERING THAT HE TRICKED HER INTO GETTING PREGNANT, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

''She made no noise when she walked, so you couldn’t hear her coming. I felt like I was being stalked by an elf.'' EMILY (KELLY BISHOP), COMPLAINING ABOUT THE POOR BALLERINA SHE WAS SPONSORING, ON GILMORE GIRLS

''Maybe he went over to borrow something, like a book. Or one of her newsboy caps.'' SETH (ADAM BRODY), TRYING TO REASSURE RYAN (BEN MCKENZIE) THAT MARISSA AND TREY AREN’T HAVING AN AFFAIR ON THE O.C..

''Everybody who wanted me, they weren't saying, 'You've got beautiful blue eyes' or 'Where can I get a tube of lipstick?' They were saying, 'Something really is sucking.' '' TANA, AFTER DEALING WITH UNHAPPY CLIENTS ON THE LAST TASK ON THE APPRENTICE

''This Monday marks the final episode of the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond. Next season CBS Monday will be anchored by the show Everybody Has Mixed Feelings About Charlie Sheen.'' TINA FEY, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

''Paula Abdul revealed this week that for the last 25 years she has been suffering from the obscure disease, 'complex regional pain syndrome.' Though many know it by its more common name, 'the crazies.''' AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Originally posted May 23, 2005 Published in issue #821-822 May 27, 2005 Order article reprints
Advertisement

From Our Partners