Television

Sound Bites

TV's funniest quotes from May 17 to 23, 2005 -- We pick our favorite quips from talk shows and sitcoms

''Rory, the penal system is not something we enjoy. It's something with a name that makes us giggle.'' LORELAI (LAUREN GRAHAM) TO RORY (ALEXIS BLEDEL), AFTER RORY'S ARREST FOR STEALING A YACHT, ON GILMORE GIRLS

''She's a WASP living in Orange County, so it's all relative, right?'' SETH (ADAM BRODY), ON HIS MOTHER'S DRINKING PROBLEM, ON THE O.C.

''Nothing will hold me back. Unless I get fatter.'' AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL'S KEENYAH, AFTER BEING ELIMINATED FROM THE SHOW

''Yesterday President Bush met with former South African president Nelson Mandela at the White House. Mandela said that he was pleased to meet the president, while Bush said it was a thrill to finally meet Bernie Mac.'' CONAN O'BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT

''Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday, thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas.'' AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

''They look just like boobs. But they're not. They're my knees!'' BRITNEY SPEARS, VIDEOTAPING HERSELF, ON CHAOTIC

''The only complaint you have is that the American Kennel Club hasn't recognized you as a breed yet.'' KAREN (MEAGAN MULLALY) TO BEVERLY LESLIE (LESLIE JORDAN), ON WILL & GRACE

''Hey, if you can swing that one, more power to you.'' GABRIELLE (EVA LONGORIA) TO HUSBAND CARLOS (RICARDO CHAVIRA) AFTER HE SAYS HE THOUGHT THEY WERE PLANNING TO BREAST-FEED THEIR BABY, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

''Forty is only young if you die at forty. Or if you're sleeping with Cher.'' RECENT QUADRAGENARIAN CHRIS ROCK, ON THE LATE SHOW

''We were in New York City. That night we watched it in a hotel room—the cast, the writers, a couple of family members, and one hooker. You know, Peter Boyle has his demands.'' RAY RAMANO, TELLING HOW THE RAYMOND CAST WATCHED THE LAST EPISODE, ON THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW

Originally posted May 30, 2005 Published in issue #823 Jun 03, 2005 Order article reprints
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