TV Article

The Wild, Wild Wes

On ''The Real World,'' the house doofus finally manages to bring a local girl home and somehow decides that this is the time to make his move on Johanna

PARTIAL-NIGHT STAND Wes didn't even let his date stay for breakfast
PARTIAL-NIGHT STAND Wes didn't even let his date stay for breakfast

''The Real World'': Wes finally gets his groupie

Hey, remember Danny, the one who went home for his mother's funeral? None of the roommates seem to. His name did come up on the walk home from ''work,'' but only in reference to his much-missed talent for carrying heavy loads. But it's okay. It's good that the kid got some time to himself and allowed us the pleasure of nearly an entire show about a total doofus.

This week, the newly macho, butt-up-in-the-air Wes eagerly stepped up to command the cameras' attention. Until recently an average-looking guy with an inflated ego who got no play, Wes is now still that guy, except he's had sex. Sex is awesome, says Wes. It should definitely help him attract Johanna, who did not, does not, and never will have interest in him. Because pumping it with someone and then offering to call her a cab (paging MJ from Philadelphia!) is really, really sexy. Oh, and so is intoxication, wearing sunglasses indoors, and stomping around in the nude as if you were waiting for confetti to fall down from the ceiling in your totally studly honor.

The scoop: After meeting her in a bar two hours prior, Wes had ''naked and screaming'' sex with Megan, a local girl whose parents must be very proud. Do you think Megan watched this episode calmly, thinking her hair looked really good that night, or do you think she wants to murder herself right about now, especially after Wes' disdainful tone when he talked about her (''Megan is some girl''), as well as Lacey's appraisal (''She was gross'')? I don't really get her. She didn't seem incredibly skanky, but then again I live in New York, where they must breed 'em differently. Oh, well. She made it onto TV, and she got the job done, which I'm pretty sure is all that matters for both parties involved.

I just need to point out this classic Wes line, about something he noticed while walking home from the bar holding hands with Megan: ''She wants to hold something else, and I am sure as hell going to take her back to my bedroom and see what else she wants to hold.'' I'm dying here. Wes actually contemplated saying this, and then went ahead and said it out loud in a slow, deliberate drawl, probably a few days after the event. There was such earnestness in his words. And his commentary was very handy, because at that point I had no idea what would happen next!

The whole episode was hilarious — if only because Wes is so completely clueless. He even made a bet with Lacey for five bucks that he would be able to kiss Johanna within three weeks. But that isn't even the ridiculous part. He went on to reveal his plan: He'll only kiss her for, like, half a second; then he'll pull away, declare, ''This is what you could have had,'' and walk away. I'm reeling here. Don't get me wrong; I'm not anti-Wes at all. I used to be, but his performance tonight has me hoping he'll never catch a whiff of reality and just keep on keepin' on embarrassing himself in the name of reality television. As some readers have pointed out, he should look into auditioning for the next Average Joe, where he could continue his streak of gems. He might even top ''I've never swallowed anything — I'm not about to swallow this argument.''

How can we all get it and Wes just doesn't? It's difficult to understand why he thinks Jo likes him. Is it because she chilled with him for a few seconds on the ''orgy bed''? Is it because Danny and Mel are taken and he figures he and Jo are the next two most attractive people in the house? (He's wrong. So says Nehemiah.) Wes truly believes that Jo is playing him, with an ulterior motive of getting closer to that blurred-out crotch area of his that we all had to endure for far too many seconds. Well, I guess Jo is kind of suggestive sometimes, like when she said that yes, she was ''saving herself'' for Wes, but everyone in the world except Wes knew she was being sarcastic.

Jo could afford to be a little more clear about her feelings with guys. I mean, she seems decisive when she talks it out on her own. She doesn't like anyone right now — I get it, Rachel and Lacey get it, but she might want to clue the guys in. Even though Leo seems pretty infatuated with her, he would probably escape in a flash (to save face) if she told him she didn't think there was chemistry there. But then we wouldn't get to hear fabulous Ambivalent Johanna Lines like ''I don't wanna hold anyone's hand — unless I wanna hold their hand.'' Like, duh. All the same, Wes was unnecessarily harsh to Jo during their argument. There's no need to repeatedly call someone a bitch. It serves him right that, as we saw in the coming attractions, Jo will remember her drunken vow not to speak to him.

The others stayed pretty quiet this week. Mel let her bikini panties do the talking for her, and I'm pretty sure they'll garner rave reviews. Perhaps she should keep quiet more often. Lacey was also a benchwarmer — literally. She sat on a couch and watched the video feed of Leo and Jo on another couch in another room, delivering a play-by-play for her boyfriend's (and presumably our) benefit. This was a little redundant, though I appreciated it when she called out Leo for pretending to ''adjust himself'' in order to reposition and get closer to Jo. Lacey might be getting a tad too preachy in general for some peoples' tastes, but no one seems to pay much attention to her moralizing, so I guess she's harmless. She certainly won't stop Wes from going out to conquer the groupies, one cab ride home at a time.

What do you think? Is Wes' idiocy lovable or lamentable? Is Johanna being unfair to Leo? And is life in the house really so boring that Rachel would videotape fish?

Originally posted Aug 16, 2005