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Dalton Ross' Hit List

1. SNOOP DOGG SUES AUTO DEALER FOR SWIPING HIS HYPE AND USING ''IZZLE'' SUFFIX IN ADS He also said that anyone who smokes reefer owes him a dime. Or maybe it was a dime bag. One of the two.

2. JENNIFER TILLY WINS SECOND MAJOR POKER TOURNAMENT So, it seems the first time wasn't a fluke. That Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actress, however...

3. BRITNEY SPEARS DOESN'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THE PAIN OF CHILDBIRTH Well, I didn't really want to go through the pain of hearing ''I'm a Slave 4 U,'' but hey — stuff happens.

4. PAUL MCCARTNEY BECOMES PITCHMAN FOR FIDELITY INVESTMENTS ''We have a lot in common,'' said the former Beatle. ''They're rich, I'm rich...well, I guess that's actually about it.''

5. MEANWHILE, RINGO STARR'S CHILDHOOD HOME TO BE RAZED AFTER COMMITTEE DECIDES IT HAS NO HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE There you have it — example No. 538 of why it sucks to be a drummer.

6. LEGENDARY PUNK CLUB CBGB GETS EVICTION NOTICE Ah, CBGB... I remember stepping over a vomit-covered junkie in the bathroom like it was yesterday. Oh, wait — that was yesterday.

7. ROBIN GIVENS TO DEBUT ON BROADWAY Tyson: The Musical?

8. APPRENTICE'S BILL RANCIC MAY STOP WORKING FOR TRUMP ''That will probably be it for me,'' he said at the Foundation for the Future's Global Leadership Forum. When asked why, he responded, ''Why do you think? Look at me! I'm speaking at the freakin' Foundation for the Future's Global Leadership Forum!''

9. ROCK STAR: INXS FINALE TO AIR But now who is Dave Navarro going to shamelessly hit on? One of the Farriss brothers?

10. ABC TO MAKE SHOWS AVAILABLE IN SPANISH ¿De alguna manera hará esto According to Jim chistoso? Por favor.

Originally posted Sep 16, 2005 Published in issue #841 Sep 23, 2005 Order article reprints
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