TV Article

Loaded and Locked

On ''The Real World,'' Johanna gets drunk, steals a rose from a homeless guy, and spends a night in the slammer; meanwhile, Melinda and Danny have more separation issues

The Real World: Austin (Season 16) | BEHIND BARS Usually Johanna is in front of them
BEHIND BARS Usually Johanna is in front of them

''The Real World'': Johanna goes to jail

This week was supposed to be all about Johanna losing control. I pictured bar stools breaking, bony arms flailing, and Jo holding down some other completely insane drunk person, or maybe Leo, while she seared flaming shot glasses onto his skin, then got bored and started licking tequila off his possibly rippling abs.

Instead, Jo stole a flower from a homeless guy and, without anyone making much of a fuss, spent the night in jail. Something this ridiculous had the potential to be amusing, but as usual with this season, it just wasn't. Maybe it's because I still don't know anything about Johanna other than that she develops multiple personalities while intoxicated and doesn't like it when guys show interest in her. That's it. Since I was never really feelin' it with her in the first place, it was hard to be anything other than embarrassed for her tonight.

Jo's outdoor lunch with Rachel, which may or may not have taken place in the Arctic, seemed promising at first. We saw some extremely pathetic footage of drunken Jo acting up, and Rachel gave her a ''WTF, dude?'' look across the table. Jo's reaction? ''That's me on vodka!'' Huh? Are we to think that was cute? This girl can't even buy a clue, probably because MTV blew the show's entire budget on booze.

It's just not that hard to not get falling down drunk. Really. I wanted to rip off that nasty and unnecessary fur-lined hood of Jo's and drill into her head that her tolerance is freaking horrible and she needs to stop downing shots just because they're free. Not to mention the most obvious advice she can't seem to take: Don't drink shots! Doesn't that horrible club serve light beer? Couldn't Jo's loyal bartender boy toy mix her some vodka drinks that were mostly juice? Couldn't they do something else for one night?

(Whoa, didn't mean to go off the deep end there. That last suggestion was way out of line. I apologize.)

I'm more than well aware that drinking is awesome, but as a general rule, it's a lot cooler when you're, you know, normal about it. Jo seems to get a real kick out of her wild behavior, but it's not fun for anyone else, particularly Melinda, who got whacked in the head while trying to hold the future jailbird up on a walk home. And after committing grand theft homeless guy's rose, Jo was the only one amused, at least until she arrived home to face the lame-joke firing squad.

I'm wondering now if Jo did more than just swipe a rose. Rachel told the other roommates that Jo stole money from the homeless, which makes no sense because Jo's only sustenance, free alcohol, was just down the street. In fact, why did she even leave at all? And how did she get caught? Did a cameraman toss a homeless guy a ROKR iTunes phone and have him call the cops? Which song would he have listened to after that? So many questions, and the only answer I have is that Jo is a moron. As punishment, I bet the ''justice complex'' refused to serve Jo the requisite three-course vodka-absorbing late-night feast that she usually eats at home. Burn!

The roommates reacted to Jailhanna's predicament with relative indifference, mostly because the Melindanny drama kicked in just in time to steal her spotlight. Danny sent Mel a letter (which prompted a hilarious zoom-in on her sky-blue ''work'' folder) about, um...it's not quite clear. Whatever. If Danny wants some distance between him and Melinda, maybe he should stop writing her letters and lurking outside her bedroom all night long. He may be confused, but these things will only confuse her more.

Danny had a rough episode. In what must have been his attempt at humor, he said, ''Joey's in the slammah!'' twice. The first time, I thought it was funny. ''Haha'' was written in my notes where usually they read, ''Shut up.'' When he said it the second time, it had lost its effect. At that point I was just wondering if he even had it in him to come up with different things to say in one night. As for the phone numbers on Danny's hand, that was just embarrassing. I actually felt sorry for him that Mel and the girls were there to make a big deal about the numbers, until he concocted an unlikely scenario in which Wes and Nehemiah needed his arm space for their groupie numbers. That was just dumb. He should have just said, ''They're just numbers,'' or ''I like you more.'' Provided that he does. Does anyone care?

What do you think? Should Danny play the field? Does Lacey have any interest at all in what she's gossiping about, or is she just trying to appear involved? And was Jo paying homage to her homeless guy by shacking up with Leo in a random corner?

Originally posted Sep 20, 2005