''Funny thing: Since he beat me and threw me down the stairs, we just don't stay in touch like we should.''
MRS. TILMAN (HARRIET SANSOM HARRIS), EXPLAINING WHY SHE DOESN'T KNOW ZACH'S WHEREABOUTS, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
''Some conservatives are upset with President Bush's Supreme Court nominee, Harriet Miers, because it turns out she donated money to Al Gore's campaign in 1988. Miers defended herself by saying, 'Come on, we all did a lot of embarrassing things in the '80s.' ''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''You can do anything. You just have to believe in yourself. Have we learned nothing from Mad Hot Ballroom?''
LOGAN (MATT CZUCHRY), TO RORY (ALEXIS BLEDEL), ON GILMORE GIRLS
''What, do you think cigarettes grow on trees?''
JOY (JAIME PRESSLY), EXPLAINING WHY SHE PAWNED EARL'S GRANDFATHER'S CUCKOO CLOCK, ON MY NAME IS EARL
''There's reportedly been a massive rise in the number of parents naming their newborns Paris. Also on the rise: baby suicides.''
DAVID SPADE, ON THE SHOWBIZ SHOW
''There is near-universal consensus the melting of the polar ice cap is due in part to global warming, though the Bush administration counters the ice caps are not melting. Rather, the water has been liberated.''
JON STEWART, ON THE DAILY SHOW
''We've got a lot of partying that needs to be done, and as far as I'm concerned, that takes priority over this stupid documentary.''
WES, SHOWING THE PROPER WORK ETHIC, ON THE REAL WORLD: AUSTIN
''We're like one of those classic teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like...Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like...Mozart.''
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), ON WORKING WITH MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), ON THE OFFICE
''Jessica Simpson has allegedly been partying all the time even more than the girl in the Eddie Murphy song.''
DOUG BENSON, ON BEST WEEK EVER