''I just hope that you and I can remain friends.''
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER FIRING AN EMPLOYEE, ON THE OFFICE
''Madonna has a documentary coming out tomorrow. They promise that in this one, they're going to show a side of Madonna that the public has not seen. Which I think means they're going to show clips from the movie Swept Away.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
''The supermom is always the first to snap. They've done studies.''
EDIE (NICOLLETTE SHERIDAN), QUESTIONING WHETHER BREE (MARCIA CROSS) KILLED REX, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
''SpongeBob SquarePants will begin airing in China in December, so millions of factory workers can finally know what the hell they're making.''
TINA FEY, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''It feels good to hug a man and know it doesn't have to go anywhere.''
RALPH (GIOVANNI RIBISI), RECENTLY RELEASED FROM PRISON, ON MY NAME IS EARL
''I almost think the bubbles are owning you, and you aren't owning the bubbles.''
THE DRUNKEN LISA TO KIM, WITH WHOM SHE'S SHARING A SOAPY HOT TUB, ON AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
''Your show is called Mad Money. When did you go off your meds?''
STEPHEN COLBERT, TO CNBC HOST JIM CRAMER, ON THE COLBERT REPORT
''Saddam Hussein's trial was televised live, and of course, many Iraqis were glued to their TV sets. Mainly, because years ago, Saddam had them glued to their TV sets.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN