''I was just being nice so we could get along better, like Bruce and Demi. I didn't know we'd end up getting along three times in one night.''
EARL (JASON LEE), AFTER HOOKING UP WITH JOY (JAIME PRESSLY) BEFORE HER WEDDING TO CRAB MAN (EDDIE STEEPLES), ON MY NAME IS EARL
''Fox is concerned about possible fines from the FCC after a scene in last week's The O.C. aired in which Mischa Barton's nipple slipped out of her shirt, most likely in search of food.''
AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''Jimbo: Tough on nerds; tougher on dorks.''
SCHOOL BULLY JIMBO'S TV CAMPAIGN SLOGAN, DURING AN ELECTION FREE-FOR-ALL, ON THE SIMPSONS
''Clearly, our sons are idiots.''
TOM (DOUG SAVANT) TO LYNETTE (FELICITY HUFFMAN), AFTER THEIR TWINS ARE LURED INTO THE CAR OF A STRANGER WITH CANDY, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
''The Central Park Zoo has these two penguins that are apparently gay. They're inseparable, they show no interest in females during mating season though they are interested in what females are wearing during Academy Awards season.''
WILL (ERIC McCORMACK), ON WILL & GRACE
''Katie Holmes' ex, Chris Klein, told Elle magazine that he only dates '8s to 10s' and that he is 'not tolerant at all' of his female companions gaining weight. Chris, there's nothing wrong with having standards. By the way, nice work in Rollerball.''
JOEL MCHALE, ON THE SOUP
''This town's only really big enough for one manipulative bitch.''
JULIE (MELINDA CLARKE), AFTER TELLING CONWOMAN CHARLOTTE (JERI RYAN) TO HIT THE ROAD, ON THE O.C.
''This week Congress stepped up the pressure on President Bush to come up with an exit strategy for Iraq. Today Bush said, 'I have an exit strategy I'm leaving office in 2008.' ''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT