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Who needs 500 cc's of Stamos? TV does! Stat! That's why John Stamos — General Hospital's Blackie, Full House's Uncle Jesse, America's heartthrob — is checking into ER for two episodes starting Nov. 10. (His ABC sitcom Jake in Progress returns in January.) Let's strap him to a gurney and administer an extra-strength dose of Stupid Questions.
You're guest-starring as a flirtatious paramedic on ER. What's the best
pickup line you've ever used in an ER?
I went in to see my mother, who'd been in a fire, and she was charred.
There were some attractive nurses in there and my pickup line was
''You're hotter than my mother!''
If you could save yourself from one of your credits, with minimal loss
of blood, which would it be?
Could I save myself from my '80s hair? I had a Cadillac on my head. I
mean, I had fins. And my bad hair keeps coming up like a rotten taco in
syndication.
You play a publicist on Jake. Give me your best spin on the fact that
the show finished last season in 105th place.
Who looks at the ratings? 105? One-oh-schmive! It's all about the nice
guys in this business, and John Stamos is one of them.
Now do damage control for the time you played yourself on Step by Step.
What's Step by Step? Was Urkel on that show? I was high most of the
'80s. On something.
Not only were you married to Rebecca Romijn, you were once named one of
PEOPLE's 50 Most Beautiful People. When you pass by ordinary citizens on
the street, are you secretly thinking, ''Why must I walk amongst the
fugly?''
I'm thinking, ''Why am I walking and not in an air-conditioned limo with
beautiful girls fanning me and giving me grapes?''
Let's pretend I just asked you a funny Olsen twins question.
What's your answer?
A lot more money than me.
Which Uncle Jesse was more of a chick magnet: you or Denver Pyle from
The Dukes of Hazzard?
I got girls with teeth. That was the difference.
Was Dave Coulier's Popeye impression as funny the 700th time as the 17th?
It was never funny. Is that bad? Can I say that?
Sure, you can. Back in your General Hospital days, did you ever get
yourself so confused with Rick Springfield that you rerecorded Working Class Dog in its entirety?
No, but I always wanted Jessie's girl. But then I realized I got her,
because I was Jesse.
You appeared in the Beach Boys' ''Kokomo'' video as an auxiliary
percussionist. Take us behind the bongos: How many takes did it require
to get precisely the right amount of cheese?
Until I had mold on my knees. And I don't know where I got that pink
tank top. I guess George Michael was having a garage sale.
Last week, someone on eBay tried selling a John Stamos pillowcase
emblazoned with the word Always. Alas, there were no bidders.
Single tear rolling down cheek? Well, that's the next thing — they're
going to have a picture of me with a single tear running down my cheek
on a pillow. It's all a big, elaborate setup to get that shot.
And how much will that one fetch?
I'm willing to pay a good $4.50.
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