''The Real World'': Wes uses Jo for sex
By now I'm convinced that it's not just me and the vast majority of Real World: Austin viewers who have basically just given up. In the season's 21st episode, the show's editors and producers seem to have finally thrown in the last booze-soaked towel and followed suit. This week we got people looking bored near computers, Dizzy Rooster footage that didn't even match up to the night we were supposed to think it was (check the outfits), and Lacey ragging on Nehemiah's work ethic while she stood there wasting valuable planet space herself for the three millionth time. Neh attempted to make things interesting by getting arrested toward the end, but no one stuck around with him long enough to tape it as he got drunk in a gesture of rebellion against the cushiest job in the world.
The confessionals were also different this week. At least four of the roommates were shown staring blankly into the camera multiple times, always immediately following crucial scenes involving shocker nothing of any significance whatsoever. I found this hilarious. It's like a nod to us viewers that they've finally understood how to make the characters mildly tolerable. Edit out the parts where they speak! This marks an important turning point in Real World-confessional culture. I can't believe we're still around to see the day.
Ostensibly, this week's episode was about Wes using the increasingly dimwitted Johanna in a painfully uncomplicated love scheme that, much to every single viewer's dismay, resulted in him hooking up, or what he has eloquently referred to in past episodes as ''pulling ass.'' Which groupie got to have her ass pulled? ''Wes' girl,'' Wren, an 80-pound....Whoa. I was trying to think of something to compare Wren to, and it turns out the answer was right in front of me the whole time. Wren looks exactly like a cracked-out little bird.
Wes' conquest didn't completely dominate the episode after all, 35 measly seconds are no match for a jam-packed 21 whole minutes of general disaster. There was much more going on, namely, the destruction of Nehemiah's future in filmmaking. I have no patience left for the kid. Everyone seems to think he has so much potential, but whenever I see him, he's bobbling around mini-basketballs while voicing over things like ''People have days, you know, when they feel like they just can't do it.'' This guy has no other job, no homework, no girlfriend, no commitments of any kind (he can't even use my favorite excuse, TV), and he can't sit down to edit a 15-minute movie that he keeps saying could jump-start his career? Not cool.
Don't get me wrong as usual, Wes was probably more objectionable than Neh. If I just typed out lists of everything Wes says with no context, this column could be really funny with minimal effort by me. That would be great. But that's always been Wes. The show still seems to want to paint Nehemiah as this brooding young film student who's just dying to pour his explosive soul into the right project if only he's given an opportunity. So he got an opportunity thousands of film students would kill for hell, even I would dig it and to show his gratitude, he let editor-instructor David find him sleeping on the orgy couch when he arrived at the house for an afternoon meeting. Later, ''definitely stressed out'' after a grueling session of gazing at a lack of new footage, Neh whined, ''I don't know where to go next.'' Hey, why not a bar?
In that spirit, I propose a drinking game to help us get through the last two episodes of the season. We've suffered enough; it's only fair that we get to hit the sauce just like the people we've grown to barely tolerate.
Here are the rules. If you see...
The word ''Austin,'' anywhere: Drink.
Shameless band promotions: Drink.
Bottles of Aquafina: Drink. Not Aquafina.
Roommates making out: Puke, then drink.
Lacey bitching: Drink. Could take a while. Consider implementing IV or feeding tube.
Zoom-in on Mel's rack: Group waterfall!
Jo slurring her speech: Eat bratwurst, but don't sober up.
Rachel: Take a shot.
Danny not wearing a hat: Take a shot.
Dizzy Rooster sign: Roll eyes or make booing noises, then lick a shot off a friend's glistening abs.
Something entertaining: Psych! No, go ahead and take a shot. I'm sorry.
What do you think? Will Nehemiah get out of jail in time for his daily nap? Could Lacey put together more mind-blowingly unattractive outfits if she tried? And are there really any adequate words at this point to describe Wes?