TV Recap

Pee, Myself, and I

''Top Model'': Lisa pees in a diaper (Ick!), making Bre and Kim look downright dignified as this episode's frontrunners

America's Next Top Model | ALL WET Lisa's attention grabbing is a turn-off
ALL WET Lisa's attention grabbing is a turn-off

''Top Model'': Lisa pees in a diaper (Ick!)

If I were in a lazy mood, I'd sum up tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model with a single comment from the increasingly quotable Bre: ''No woman of class, especially a supermodel in the making, is gonna do something as disgusting as pee on herself at her job.''

That was pretty much my sentiment as I watched Lisa don an adult-sized diaper, then proceed to urinate in plain view of her fellow contestants (and the cameras) during this week's photo shoot. It was a revolting display, but it didn't shock me. Lisa is, after all, the reality TV equivalent of the attention-starved monkey at your local zoo, playing an increasingly unsavory game of ''Look at Me! Look at Me!'' He'll clap, he'll scream, he'll rattle the walls of his cage. And if none of that catches your eye, he'll pick up a heaping pile of his feces and hurl it at you.

Lisa clearly has mastered the Modeling 101 handbook — she emotes more easily, strikes poses more effectively, and interviews more winningly than most of her remaining rivals; she's the one challenger who knows what a Vargas girl is and whose eyes light up upon hearing the name of superagent Benny Medina. Yet she refuses to acknowledge (or maybe she's incapable of acknowledging?) that likeability will play into the judges' final decision. Cover Girl isn't about to enter into a contractual agreement with a chick who's got urine dripping down her inner thigh.

So if Lisa's end game isn't scoring a photo shoot with renowned photographer Gilles Bensimon, what is it? My guess: She's trying to score a spot on the next installment of VH1's The Surreal Life, aiming for the same kind of success as this episode's guest models from MTV's raucously unfunny Wildboyz. After all, they've forged careers out of imitating a pack of chimps.

So while Tyra flipped the script tonight (she dared to skip her, ''I have six beautiful girls standing in front of me'' spiel, sparing all six finalists from elimination and inviting them on a trip to London) I'm convinced that only five are still in the running: Bre, Kim, Nik, Nicole, and Jayla.

Of those, it's clear that Jayla has little or no chance. For one, she's got massive gums, and a nasty, backstabbing attitude. Plus, Medina couldn't remember anything about her 30 seconds after her go-see. She even got herself on Tyra's bad side, eliciting this description of her best shot from the ANTM host: ''That should be on a box. A blow-up doll box!''

What surprised me this week more than Tyra's brutal mockery (c'mon now, that's becoming her modus operandi) was seeing Kim and Bre each emerge as legitimate challengers. The former is easily this season's wittiest, most likeable contestant — and a great poster girl for randy lesbians everywhere. (Loved her description of ANTM Cycle Three winner Eva: ''Oh my God, she's so cute...you just wanna kiss her.'') Though Kim's been pretty listless in front of the camera, that all changed this week. Her Wildboyz shoot was the week's strongest, and she nailed her interview with Medina to score a guest role on Veronica Mars. Who'd have thunk she'd be so completely convincing in her role as a rental car counter employee? Okay, okay, her dialogue wasn't exactly difficult and she had pointers from Kristen Bell. But you have to admit her line reading beat the heck out of Kyle and Nicole hosting that VH1 special.

Bre, meanwhile, has finally gotten her groove back. The contestant with the fiercely equestrian runway stomp seemed deflated since the week when the judges discussed her wonky teeth. But after surviving her stint in the bottom two last time, she's focused again, spewing tangy putdowns like, ''Lisa, she's a sick individual. If she wins this competition, I hope she uses that $100,000 and checks herself into a psych ward.'' Snap it out, Bre. Snap it out!

Now if only the judging panel would stop giving our girl mixed messages. On one hand, they're constantly telling the hopefuls that they need to be versatile. Then the moment Bre dropped her ghetto cadence and poshed-up her speaking voice for that chocolate ad, Tyra insisted, ''She's trying to be Breana, and she just needs to be Le Bre.'' Whatever, Banks! Surely, if Bre is, say, filming a Cover Girl ad, they're going to expect her to sit up straight, enunciate, and speak with a hint of sophistication.

Oh wait, scratch that. An audio clip of Naima's Cover Girl campaign just popped into my brain, with all the words squishy soft, melting together like marshmallow goo: ''Ilikecovergirl. 'Causecovergirlisnice. Covergirlhaslipstick. Ilikeit. Itssonice.''(Sorry, fans of ANTM's cycle four winner — she's a dreadful speaker!)

Anyhoo, it looks as if we're coming down to a battle of Bre and Kim's strong personalities, versus Nicole and Nik's strong photos. (As Twiggy astutely noted about the latter's Wildboyz pic, ''we've got three men in women's clothes, but my eyes to go her.'') If I had to wager, I'd say the final two will be Kim and Nik, with Nik squeaking out the top prize — as long as neither of them decides to drop the pee-pee bomb.

Who do you predict for the final win? What did you make of ''Cover Girl makeup pro'' BJ Gillian's not-so-subtle attempts at integrating product names into the conversation? And was Tyra's bait-and-switch moment with Nicole and Jayla cruel, ho-hum, or really good television?

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Originally posted Nov 10, 2005
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