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Dalton Ross's Hit List

The 10 hottest topics for the week of December 9, 2005

1 Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey call it quits The saddest part is that Jessica actually called it ''qiuts,'' causing Nick to correct her before marching off in a huff to go watch some stupid college football game.

2 Russell Crowe jokes about phone throwing at awards show Man, imagine the hilarity that could have ensued had he shot the guy. Pure comedy gold!

3 Gamers report glitches with Xbox 360 Problems include (but are not limited to) crashing, error messages, and a widespread inability among users to interface successfully with women.

4 Madonna says she wants to direct a film Shouldn't she leave that to the professionals, like her husband? Or, even better, professionals without credits like Swept Away?

5 E! picks up The Simple Life Paris hates Nicole. Nicole hates Paris. We think they're both right.

6 Sacha Baron Cohen mocks Kazakhstan's threats to sue for Borat character I would mock them as well, but until about 30 seconds ago, I thought Kazakhstan was the name of an obscure death-metal band. (I can spell quit, though.)

7 ABC airs A Charlie Brown Christmas Charlie thinks Christmas is too commercial...in between lots of commercials.

8 Teri Hatcher sues tabloid for saying she has ''sex romps'' in a VW van It does sound pretty ridiculous. I mean, everyone knows VW vans are strictly for smoking doobies.

9 Kimberly Stewart and Talan Torriero call off their engagement ''It was just too soon to enter into a lifelong commitment,'' read their statement. Now, in the interest of equal time, here's our statement: ''Who the hell are you?''

10 Cinderella Man on DVD Great movie. Not a lot of laughs, though. Could use some phone throwing.

Originally posted Dec 02, 2005 Published in issue #853 Dec 09, 2005 Order article reprints
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