''Sure, it can. That's just a lie we tell poor people to keep them from rioting.''
GABRIELLE (EVA LONGORIA), AFTER SISTER MARY BERNARD (MELINDA PAGE HAMILTON) SAYS MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
''NBC — it's like your ratings are plummeting right at me!''
HOST JOEL McHALE, AFTER WATCHING A CLIP OF MEDIUM'S HIGHLY PROMOTED 3-D EPISODE, ON THE SOUP
''Christina Aguilera got married last weekend and she [reportedly] asked that the guests not talk to the press about the wedding because she's shy. Then she asked the guests not to stare at her diamond-studded, crotchless wedding dress.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''She's short but has an ample bosom. I love that she's, like, half boob!''
BARNEY (NEIL PATRICK HARRIS), CHECKING OUT A FELLOW BAR-GOER, ON HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
''And for Nick, look at it this way. You may be losing a wife, but you're also losing a father-in-law.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF NICK LACHEY'S DIVORCE FROM JESSICA SIMPSON, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
''You let a guy you picked up in a bar see you naked and you can't give him an enema?''
CRISTINA (SANDRA OH) TO MEREDITH (ELLEN POMPEO), AFTER THE LATTER'S ONE-NIGHT STAND IS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL, ON GREY'S ANATOMY
