''Sure, it can. That's just a lie we tell poor people to keep them from rioting.''
GABRIELLE (EVA LONGORIA), AFTER SISTER MARY BERNARD (MELINDA PAGE HAMILTON) SAYS MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
''NBC it's like your ratings are plummeting right at me!''
HOST JOEL McHALE, AFTER WATCHING A CLIP OF MEDIUM'S HIGHLY PROMOTED 3-D EPISODE, ON THE SOUP
''Christina Aguilera got married last weekend and she [reportedly] asked that the guests not talk to the press about the wedding because she's shy. Then she asked the guests not to stare at her diamond-studded, crotchless wedding dress.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''She's short but has an ample bosom. I love that she's, like, half boob!''
BARNEY (NEIL PATRICK HARRIS), CHECKING OUT A FELLOW BAR-GOER, ON HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
''And for Nick, look at it this way. You may be losing a wife, but you're also losing a father-in-law.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF NICK LACHEY'S DIVORCE FROM JESSICA SIMPSON, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
''You let a guy you picked up in a bar see you naked and you can't give him an enema?''
CRISTINA (SANDRA OH) TO MEREDITH (ELLEN POMPEO), AFTER THE LATTER'S ONE-NIGHT STAND IS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL, ON GREY'S ANATOMY