Sound Bites

Sound Bites

TV's funniest lines from Dec. 6 to 12. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

Image credit: Chris Pratt: Andrew Eckles

''When I say 'chick,' I mean 'woman — beautiful woman from the service industry.' ''
BRIGHT (CHRIS PRATT), AFTER REFERRING TO A ''HOT WAITRESS CHICK,'' ON EVERWOOD

''Last week in Germany, a shoplifter was arrested after he shoved 39 tubes of toothpaste down the front of his pants. Police became suspicious when they noticed that the man's crotch had become 'up to three shades whiter.' ''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''I can't hear you when his hand is on your boob.''
GEORGE (T.R. KNIGHT), AS ALEX (JUSTIN CHAMBERS) PRACTICES BREAST EXAMINATION ON CRISTINA (SANDRA OH), ON GREY'S ANATOMY

''When in my life will I ever have the capacity to give four people new cars? Like, I don't know anybody who has the ability to do that — maybe Oprah.''
CINDY, DECIDING WHETHER TO GIVE HER COMPETITORS A NEW CAR BY GIVING UP THE ONE SHE'D JUST WON, ON SURVIVOR: GUATEMALA

''While speaking in North Carolina, President Bush said, 'This economy is strong, and the best days are yet to come.' Adding, 'Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn.' ''
TINA FEY, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

''Joe Piscopo is a comedy legend.''
CHRIS, DESCRIBING THE MC HIS TEAM IS HIRING FOR A BENEFIT, ON THE APPRENTICE

''In fifth grade, you know when I said I was going to beauty-pageant camp? I was going to band camp and learning to play the tuba.''
SUMMER (RACHEL BILSON), EXPLAINING TO MARISSA (MISCHA BARTON), HOW SHE SUDDENLY HAS A NEW EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY, ON THE O.C.

Originally posted Dec 16, 2005 Published in issue #855 Dec 23, 2005 Order article reprints