Sound Bites

Sound Bites

TV's funniest lines from Jan. 10 to 16. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

Image credit: Chris Rock: Paul Drinkwater

''I want everybody to relax. You only have to be nice to black people for two more hours.''
PRESENTER CHRIS ROCK, AFTER POINTING OUT THAT THE 63RD ANNUAL GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS COINCIDED WITH MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. DAY

''I feel like I'm 16, but if I wasn't in the middle of a hot flash, I'd believe that!''
53-YEAR-OLD S. EPATHA MERKERSON, ADDRESSING THE CROWD IMMEDIATELY AFTER WINNING THE BEST ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR TV MOVIE GOLDEN GLOBE

''I kind of would rather be at home taking a nap.''
FIRST-TIME GLOBE NOMINEE AND MY NAME IS EARL STAR JASON LEE, ANSWERING RED CARPET REPORTER SHAUN ROBINSON'S QUESTION ''WHAT IS THIS EXPERIENCE LIKE SO FAR?''

''Who would name their kid 'Jack' with the last word 'off' at the end of your last name?''
GEORGE CLOONEY, THANKING FALLEN LOBBYIST JACK ABRAMOFF IN HIS GOLDEN GLOBE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOVIE

''People magazine is reporting that Angelina Jolie is pregnant. Jolie's doctor said it was the first time he's ever seen lips on an ultrasound.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''According to a statement released by her publicist today, Angelina is very happy about the pregnancy and says she promises to love it just the same as if she had adopted it.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

''There will be no more free prenatal care for underprivileged women. Bottom line, if you're thinking of knocking up a homeless gal, I'd do it this weekend.''
DR. KELSO (KEN JENKINS), DECRIBING UPCOMING BUDGET CUTS, ON SCRUBS

''I will have your family eating dog food out of a can!''
EMOTIONALLY UNBALANCED FIRST LADY MARTHA LOGAN (JEAN SMART), TELLING A SECRET SERVICE AGENT TO BACK OFF, ON 24

''You won't even be able to handle the sausage we bring to this dance.''
WRESTLER STACY KEIBLER, RESPONDING TO JUDGE LEN BERMAN'S CRITICISM THAT HER PREVIOUS WEEK'S PERFORMANCE WAS ALL SIZZLE AND NO SAUSAGE, ON DANCING WITH THE STARS

''You would think over the course of ten years, there would be a little personal growth, but there has been no growth with Beth, except in the thighs.''
Montana, describing a fellow former Real World-er, on The Gauntlet

Originally posted Jan 20, 2006 Published in issue #860 Jan 27, 2006 Order article reprints
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