I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready for American Idol to send me to Hollywood. Not because I'm the next Bo Bice (although someone please tell me my karaoke rendition of ''Proud Mary'' isn't quite as hideous as the version sung tonight by Paula Abdul fanatic Paula Goodspeed) but rather because I'm getting audition fatigue. Let's face it: At a certain point, even those of us with an appetite for watching abysmal singers get their dreams snuffed by the Idol judges can't tolerate another bite — even if it's only wafer thin.
It doesn't help that this season, the show's producers have been especially stingy about doling out clips of folks with actual talent. Over the last two nights, in fact, Idol showcased only 8 singers from Las Vegas and Austin who got a thumbs-up from the judges, even though a total of 23 people advanced from those cities. That averages out to giving home viewers one talented singer every 15 minutes — and, to paraphrase Simon, that's simply not good enough.
Indeed, we need the occasional glimpse of a Kelly or a Ruben or even a Frenchie to ensure that the precarious balance between freak show and talent show is upheld — and even more important, to give our ears a rest from the aural assault doled out by delusional folks such as Cierra Johnson. The lovely vet assistant's take on ''O Holy Night'' prompted the episode's funniest quip: When Johnson asked if she could attempt a second number, Simon snapped back, '' 'Silent Night' — but take off the 'night.' ''
Too bad the judge with the too tight shirts couldn't conjure up something half as clever when faced with 17-year-old Tessie Mae Reid's attempt at ''Ain't No Mountain High Enough.'' True, the plus-sized gal, her face framed by two bizarrely dyed blond braids, had a lot more confidence than talent, but the way the show's producers treated her was akin to the high-school quarterback's asking the unpopular girl to the prom, then showing up with all his buddies to hurl eggs at her as she approaches the limo. Bad enough that her entrance into the audition room was presented with mock misty lighting and ridiculous mood music, but it's unconscionable that nobody at Fox insisted on cutting Simon's comment that the young girl's figure looked like an overstuffed sack of potatoes.
Clearly, someone needed to advise Tessie to explore career options outside the music business, but can anyone tell me the point of standing a high-school-age girl in front of an audience of 30 million people just to mercilessly mock her weight? For that matter, why did we have to be subjected to Simon's ridicule of the aforementioned Goodspeed's braces? Across the nation, hundreds of thousands of insecure teenagers with braces or a few extra pounds must've been watching and wincing. I'm sure, though, it made them feel a lot better to see blond ''fit model'' Ashley Jackson advance to the semifinals, thanks to slobbering Simon and randy Randy's reaction to her form-fitting tank top.
Ah, well, at least the Austin auditions weren't a total loss. In fact, they yielded a couple of strong male contenders, something that's been in short supply all season. No, I'm not referring to self-described ladies' man Ronnie ''R.J.'' Norman (who I'm praying goes down hard in the semifinal rounds). Rather, I'm rooting for Ricky Hayes, whose ''I Can't Make You Love Me'' was beautifully restrained, and funeral director Jason Horn, whose choice of ''You Raise Me Up'' could've been macabre if he hadn't sounded so darn mellifluous.
As for Tessie Mae, if you happen to stumble across this column, keep your chin up, and while you're at it, go seek out Blind Melon's ''No Rain'' video. You might not know it yet, but in a few years, you'll come to see that we Bee People outnumber the Simon Cowells of the world by a pretty big margin. And most of us do all right for ourselves, too, even if we can't sing to save our lives.
What do you think? Should Simon's comments on the contestants' physical appearance be cut out? Should Idol stop showing the more embarrassing auditions of kids who are too young to know better? And would any of you women flirt back at R.J. if he was your waiter?
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