The Ring Recycle

''Desperate Housewives'': Indecent proposals

I'm begging now: No more mysteries on Desperate Housewives. Please.

I say that because this was the kind of episode that makes one think of phrases like ''back at the top of its game'' — good God, this was the kind of episode that makes one care what happens to Susan — except for one thing: those annoying scenes where people I don't give a damn about were still blathering on about Deirdre and birth fathers and toy chests and Paul and Mike and Zach like it's 2004 or something. And jeez, Noah? I'm not sure I even cared about him last season. Let's just say that if I hadn't been writing this thing for you people tonight, the DVR fast-forward would've been zipping right through those scenes like they were another commercial for Failure to Launch.

Anyway, other than that stuff, which was mercifully brief, I am loving that this show is back on track. (I should say, for the record, that all that Applewhite nonsense bogs down the plot just as much as the remaining dregs of last season's mystery; Betty and company, however, were nowhere to be seen tonight, so we won't talk about them behind their backs. That would be very Wisteria Lane of us.)

Housewives is at its best when it's skewering soap conventions, and tonight's three big story lines tackled some doozies in brilliantly fresh fashion: substance abuse, pregnancies, and secret marriages that you just know are a terrible idea.

Excuse the earnestness here, but Housewives is doing one hell of a job with Bree's alcoholism: making it a little funny (Bree in that gorgeous red satin sheath passing out on her own front lawn), a little scary (wait, did I actually fear for Lynette's obnoxious twins' safety as they escaped Bree when she passed out while baby-sitting them?), and awfully poignant (Lynette, God bless you for having the nerve to line Bree's empty wine bottles up on her front porch to show her she has a problem).

And how great was it to finally get an explanation for Gabrielle's obnoxiousness, in the form of her fake-boobed gold-digger mama's self-serving offer to mother Carlos' child? Sure, she was technically proposing she be their surrogate, but that came with the revelation that when her second husband sexually assaulted Gabby when she was 15, her mother blamed Gabby, not the guy. And even with all that serious drama going on, our favorite former model still came through with the best zinger of the night: ''So the baby would still look like us, but I wouldn't have stretch marks,'' she said, considering the perks of going surrogate. ''It's a win-win.'' (You have to admit she's right.)

The Susan-remarrying-Karl-for-health-insurance bit grew more delightfully complicated when Edie started thinking she was getting that ring and prenup, to the point where I'm full-on back to being invested in the romantic fate of Susan. The fact that Susan's new beau is the adorable guy who used to be on Summerland helps. (Mike who?) So did that gag where the wrong guy got the ''she thinks you're about to propose'' note in the restaurant. And the fact that Karl was inspired by the mix-up to really propose to Edie.

In the middle of all this juicy stuff came a couple of scenes in which the aforementioned Characters We No Longer Care About had a boring, though very intense-sounding, conversation, during which I drifted off to think about what sort of tea I would brew when I was done writing this — hmm, orange pekoe or Darjeeling? But I perked up when I heard Paul Young say to Mike Delfino, referring to himself and son Zach, ''If we leave, we won't come back.'' Please, please, tell me that's a promise.

What do you think? Will Bree get help? Will Karl marry Edie? And which subplot do you care more about: Mike-Paul-Noah-Zach or the Applewhites?