American Idol fans, we've got some work to do today. Since the show's three judges all took a belated Presidents' Day vacation smack in the middle of last night's underwhelming men's semifinals, it's up to all of us to replace Randy's incoherence, Paula's irrelevance, and Simon's utter randomness with some fair and honest critiques. To show how easy it is, I'll go first. (And yes, Randy, feel free to use any of the following phrases as a substitute for ''you did your thing.'')
Somewhere, mortician Jason Horn is wondering how he didn't land in this season's final 24 Can I get an ''amen''? It might sound a little harsh, but at least three of tonight's semifinalists (a full 25 percent of the men) wouldn't have a shot at winning the weekly karaoke competition at my local dive bar, so why were they given a coveted shot at the Idol crown?
The bottom of a very unsavory barrel had to be David Radford's ''Crazy Little Thing Called Love'' — an excruciating mashup of botched notes, affected phrasing, and a vibrato that made the smirking teenager sound like a small monkey was pounding on his chest. Admittedly, I've never understood what the judges saw in this kid (even though he did hum ''The Final Countdown'' in the elevator at the end of Hollywood week), and for the love of all that's holy, I cannot fathom why Simon told David that audiences are going to like him. Even Paula, grasping for something not unkind to say, couldn't deny the truth when she trotted out the old ''you were true to who you are'' — namely, the absolute worst singer left among season 5's hopefuls.
Although not by a wide margin. Bobby Bennett's ''Copacabana'' had more cheese than a featured dish at Applebee's, while Jose ''Sway'' Penala's ''Reasons'' was a full-on assault on three of my five senses. Which one got slammed hardest? Certainly, my eyes have a strong case after witnessing boyfriend's g-g-g-g-ghastly white getup, topped off by a fedora and a cranberry velvet jacket, and my taste buds aren't happy about that little bit of bile that backed up as Sway squeezed out his high note; that said, I think a jury would rule in favor of my ears, which had to endure two minutes of unfiltered hell in the form of the dude's seriously strained falsetto.
Don't forget, however, that the worst aren't always the first to go The thing is, when you're competing against 11 other men to attract viewers' votes, sometimes it's better to be watercooler awful than just plain forgettable, and that's why I'm guessing at least one (and possibly two) of the following men will be sent packing on Thursday: Patrick Hall, Will Makar, and Bucky Covington. Can any of you even remember what these dudes sang, let alone make a compelling case for why they deserve to make it to the final 12? And even if you know they respectively regurgitated lackluster renditions of ''Come to My Window,'' ''I Want You Back,'' and ''Simple Man,'' did you actually phone in a vote for any of them? See why they ought to be worried?
That leaves two questionable singers who'll deservedly live to sing another day Indeed, even if Gedeon McKinney hadn't offered up a serviceably appealing take on ''Shout'' (a song that's probably better on a wedding-reception playlist than an Idol semifinal), Simon's unnecessarily cruel comment that ''your smile bothers me'' may have won the kid enough votes that he'll be showing off that ear-to-ear grin on Thursday night.
Still, he's got nothing on Kevin ''Chicken Little'' Covais, whose diminutive frame and geek-chic style made his powerhouse rendition of ''One Last Cry'' a surprising treat. A more likeable, more soulful version of season 4's Anthony Fedorov, Kevin certainly needs to work on his barely there lower register, but if he can keep on improving, he's a shoo-in for the final 12, especially if Simon keeps blathering that the kid only appeals to the AARP set.
As disappointing as the men were this week, there's four whose faces you should get used to seeing You probably won't find four singers more disparate in their appeal than Elliott Yamin, Taylor Hicks, Ace Young, and Chris Daughtry, but all four of 'em are a definite boon for the competition.
Clearly, Simon was off in his happy place when he said Elliott might be the best male vocalist in Idol's five seasons, but there's no denying the dude's a winner. His vaguely goofball looks, his unpretentious megawatt smile, and his extremely pleasing instrument make him a front-runner, but Elliott might want to avoid uttering the word ''karaoke'' in any context, especially if he's planning to offer up the kind of note-for-note mimicry that he displayed in interpreting Stevie Wonder's ''If You Really Love Me'' tonight.
Elliott will have to raise his game vocally if he wants to outlast the season's most distinctive vocalist (gray-haired Taylor) and its unabashed pin-up boy (Ace). Certainly, the former's rendition of Elton John's ''Levon'' stood out in terms of pure artistry: Taylor's not the kind of guy who'd be content tracing the lines of the original hit version, a rare and savvy strategy that's served previous Idol competitors such as Bo and Fantasia. As for Ace, he's like a Constantine 2.0: He's not above casting bedroom-eyed glances into the camera, but in terms of vocals, song choice (''Father Figure''? Genius!), looks (you had to love Paula's comments that both her female and male pals will be speed-dialing on Ace's behalf), and charisma, he's a million miles ahead of his predecessor.
Still, where Taylor's homespun affectations can be occasionally grating, and Ace's pretty-boy routine a tad blush-worthy, there's one male contestant who's No. 1 with a bullet this season — even if Simon isn't a big enough man to admit it, seeing as he initially tried to put the kibosh on the guy's trip to Hollywood.
C'mon now, you'd have to be deaf not to recognize that Chris's rough and ready ''Wanted Dead or Alive'' not only was superior to all of his competitors' songs tonight but actually injected a needed jolt of soul into Jon Bon Jovi's original. And you'd have to be legally blind — or unable to recognize scary levels of male hotness — to dismiss Chris as merely having a good recording voice, the way both Simon and Randy tried to do. At least the show's producers don't need their eyes or ears examined: As they did during sexy Mandisa!'s ''Never'' on Tuesday, they used a screen full of flames as the backdrop to a performer who knows how to set the stage on fire.
What do you think? Who were your two favorite men tonight? Which two do you think deserve a ticket back to the land of obscurity? And how would you rate the judges' performance?
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