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Dalton Ross's Hit List

The 10 hottest topics for the week of March 10, 2006

1 Whoopi Goldberg to perform on cruise ship in April Whoopi will be entertaining on an Olivia-chartered cruise catering to both lesbians and people with really bad taste in comedy. I'm already booked to perform in May.

2 The Stalker's Apprentice on DVD This seems kind of like an odd hire for Trump. But man, is that new guy relentless!

3 Nicky Hilton unveils another fashion line ''I don't want to be one of those celebrities that slaps their name on a label and collects royalty checks,'' said Hilton, apparently confused over what the hell she'd just done. Paris would be proud.

4 Kevin Bacon to appear in new Hanes ads Please don't let the campaign slogan be ''Bring Home the Bacon.'' It's both disturbing and causing me to have painful Wild Things flashbacks.

5 Sex Pistols refuse to attend Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction That is so punk of them. You would never catch these guys reuniting just to make a quick buck. Oh, wait...

6 George Michael arrested after being found slumped over a steering wheel Dammit! He told them to wake him up before they go-go!

7 Weak Guns N' Roses tracks end up on the Net That's actually a typo. It's supposed to say ''Leaked Guns N' Roses tracks...'' You know what? I think it works both ways.

8 Ned Beatty to be honored at film festival I would say we should squeal with delight, but...well, ya know.

9 Ted Nugent, Sebastian Bach, Scott Ian, and Jason Bonham to form band for VH1's Supergroup Uhhh, yeah, the ''super'' part might be pushing it juuuust a tad.

10 Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston reduce asking price on house from $28 million to $24.95 million I told those bastards I'm not paying a penny over $24,949,999.99!

Originally posted Mar 03, 2006 Published in issue #867 Mar 10, 2006 Order article reprints