You've probably heard the news. The virile fountain of youth that is Donald Trump has magically produced another son. Welcome, Barron! I enjoyed your Booknotes in high school. But lest we forget the most impressive Trump Jr. of this week...
Ivanka Trump is my new TV hero. I never want her off my screen. What is going on in her giant but very pretty head? It's easy to assume ''nothing,'' but then she'll suddenly whip out business-y vocab words like ''floodgates'' and manage to sound exactly like her dad, but in a softer, more appealing way. I really think they should incorporate her into the fake business moments instead of Trump. The segments could be called ''Ivanka Explains It All'' or ''Listen to Me, I Am Ivanka Trump.'' It wouldn't matter. She's sufficiently understated (at least compared to Dad) that the situations might actually seem real. Or at least real-esque. Okay, less fake.
Tonight's product-placement introduction had me in hysterics for some reason. I never saw any promos for this episode and had no idea it would be about cereal. So when Trump stood next to his Trump Grille and proclaimed, ''All they want to hear about is cereals — that's all they want,'' my puny non-Trump-size brain teemed with questions. How did he know what they wanted? Who were ''they''? Cereal?
Yeah, cereal. Post Grape Nuts Trail Mix Crunch. It's so delicious you'll either want to pour the entire box down your throat all at once — right after working out, of course — or you'll want to share it with the ambiguously aged father/boyfriend/grandfather figure in your life. You wouldn't just go out to Sam's Club, buy a box, and eat it, because that would be boring (and so three episodes ago).
The task: Create a billboard for cereal. You know what that means: photo shoots. (Come on, Post Grape Nuts Trail Mix Crunch, show me fierce!) After a few seconds of low-grade brainstorming, the teams had to go out and find models, which seemed really odd considering how helpful NBC was last week with that sweet Cory Kahaney hookup. Couldn't they call up two of the thousands of out-of-work (and likely hungry) models in Manhattan? But as luck would have it, Synergy happened to walk smack-dab into a gorgeous girl with a lovely red umbrella (hey, that was convenient), while Tarek had to use the ever-alluring pickup lines ''Do you speak English?'' and ''Can I ask you something really shady?'' on Gold Rush's model, whom he labeled ''wholesome'' before shoving her into an unmarked van.
We didn't really get to focus on the cereal campaigns because Andrea and Brent decided to make this episode all about them. I used to not mind Andrea because I considered her the catty, corporate (read: lame) version of My So-Called Life's Angela Chase. They both are skinny, enjoy sweaters, spend most of their time glaring at people with steely light-colored eyes, and are under the false impression that maroon hair is attractive. So when Andrea and Brent started bickering, it was just like old times between Angela and Brian Krakow, Angela's non-hot, overly bitter, socially inept neighbor, who really just didn't get it at all. Reality TV is imitating art! Society has come full circle. Yay!
The likeness would end there, though, because my girl Angela would never dream of saying something like what Andrea said to Brent in order to prove...apparently, something: '''That's why I'm a multi-millionaire and you make $50,000 a year.'' Ouch. Also, why? That was obnoxious, as were Tammy and Andrea's (T&A's) sorority-sister antics in Synergy's conference room, done solely to terrorize Brent. It was sort of funny in the sense that at this point everyone on the team was acting five, but it was also a little tragic, much like Brent's post-firing rampage later on. After ignoring all of Brent's input the entire day, T asked A, regarding their stupid heart design, ''Do you love it? Do you think we nailed it?'' It was at this point that T&A decided they loved each other — no, like, for real. God, just make out already.
The Post executives much preferred Gold Rush's cereal chugger to Synergy's cereal weirdos. I agreed, but I still don't get why Gold Rush inexplicably brought along a prop stroller. Maybe it was the same reasoning Trump uses to decide whether to father more children: ''Why not? It's allowed.'' As a reward, project manager Charmaine, flip-flopper Bryce, Lenny, and the rest of the winners got to cook with Chef Jean-Georges Vongerichten, who, Trump was quick to point out, does not do this often. (Only when he's on TV.)
So while Gold Rush got to go 'shrooming with a quasi celeb, Synergy did their best to keep themselves titillated before going to the boardroom. T&A flirted on the couch, Lee slurped up a Mike's Hard Something with his second spaghetti meal of the episode, and Roxanne, Allie, and Sean engaged in the most lethargic three-way in history. I didn't get it either. As perplexing as that was, it was mildly more entertaining than the cooking lesson. I usually love staring at food, but I lost interest in the reward scene as soon as Leslie decided she was no longer amused by her chef's cap. In other words, about three seconds into it. I wish iTrump had tagged along.
As soon as Synergy finished fondling one another, it was time for the boardroom, sponsored in part by Robin, who again got up and showed them to the door while also showing partial leg. iTrump threw a decidedly fake smile Robin's way. I bet Robin hates Ivanka, just on principle.
It's anyone's guess who might have been fired if Brent hadn't dug his own grave by refusing to shut up in there. Luckily, we don't need to, and Trump didn't even need to fake-consult with His chosen ones before giving Brent the boot. ''Out. Over. Go. Go. I don't want to waste anyone's time.'' Silly Trumpster. It's far too late in the game for thoughts like that.
What do you think? What's more ill-chosen: Andrea's attitude or her yellow eye shadow? Will you miss Brent even a little bit? And when will Ivanka get her own show?
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