''The National Enquirer has reported that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were married eight months ago by a chaplain in the Church of Scientology. The groom wore a casual linen suit, while the bride wore an expression of slowly awakening terror.''
DAVID SPADE, ON THE SHOWBIZ SHOW
''I've read the Constitution, and it does not protect ugly people.''
GABRIELLE (EVA LONGORIA), ON VETOING UNATTRACTIVE BIRTH MOTHERS, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
''As long as it's not a knock-knock joke. I always ruin them by saying 'Come in.' ''
MARGE (JULIE KAVNER) TO CHARLES (RICKY GERVAIS), AFTER HE ASKS IF SHE'D LIKE TO HEAR A JOKE, ON THE SIMPSONS
''Our makeup is black eyes, rosy cheeks almost like a hooker from back in, you know, old hooker times.''
KARI, ON AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
''Either you're thinking of something, or you've got to go to the bathroom real bad.''
BISHOP (ORLANDO JONES) TO COLE (ROB ESTES), ON THE EVIDENCE
''Osama bin Laden may have knocked down the Twin Towers, but he will never destroy the web of bureaucracy keeping them from being rebuilt.''
DAN BAKKEDAHL, ON THE DAILY SHOW
''Bobby Brown and New Edition will reunite for one night at the Essence Music Festival in Houston. Which can mean only one thing: Bobby has no outstanding warrants in Texas.''
HOST JOEL McHALE, ON THE SOUP
''It occurred to me today that if they do indeed get divorced...Kevin, now known as K. Fed, will become FedEx.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, DISCUSSING THE RUMORS OF TROUBLE IN THE BRITNEY SPEARS-KEVIN FEDERLINE MARRIAGE, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE