Sound Bites

Sound Bites

TV's funniest lines from May 9 to 15. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

Image credit: Survivor: Jeffrey R. Staab /CBS

''Let me tell you, you are gonna get a check tomorrow morning for a million dollars, and I have one piece of advice: Pay your taxes.''
JEFF PROBST TO WINNER ARAS BASKAUSKAS, ON THE SURVIVOR: PANAMA — EXILE ISLAND REUNION SHOW

''Could you even see the moves that Paula was pulling off? I feel like I'm obligated to give her a dollar after that.''
RYAN SEACREST COMPARING PAULA ABDUL'S GYRATIONS TO A LAP DANCE, ON AMERICAN IDOL

''It's being reported that Anna Nicole Smith may be pregnant. In a statement released by her lawyer, she said, 'Slur slur crazy laugh nuts drool, wheeeee!' ''
DAVID SPADE, ON THE SHOWBIZ SHOW

''I swear to God, she's ruining vaginas for me.''
ALEX (JUSTIN CHAMBERS), ON HIS FORCED OB/GYN INTERNSHIP WITH ADDISON (KATE WALSH), ON GREY'S ANATOMY

''United Airlines announced that they are considering moving from the Chicago area....The good news is that United is leaving from O'Hare, so their departure will be delayed for six years.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''In the wake of the report that the NSA is monitoring American phone records, Senator Arlen Specter, the Judiciary Committee chairman, said he would subpoena the phone companies to appear before his committee. The phone companies said they would try to be there sometime between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m.''
TINA FEY, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

''Shut your mouth and say it ain't so!''
DANIELLE, EXPRESSING SURPRISE AND DELIGHT, ON AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

''Nick Lachey says he'd like to marry again someday. He told Access Hollywood, 'I'm a romantic at heart....I don't want to be a ''serial marrier,'' but at the same time, I just can't imagine not being married again.' Dude, if you need money, just ask.''
JOEL McHALE, ON THE SOUP

Originally posted May 19, 2006 Published in issue #878 May 26, 2006 Order article reprints