''A Russian supermodel fell onto a New York freeway when she opened the wrong door of a moving bus. The model says the worst part of the ordeal was when she discovered she does not, in fact, have a body that can stop traffic.''
DAVID SPADE, ON THE SHOWBIZ SHOW
''We've gone through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together.''
HOMER TO MARGE, AFTER SOMEONE ASKS THE DUO FOR MARRIAGE COUNSELING, ON THE SIMPSONS
''The cast of Dynasty called. They want their shoulder pads back.''
SEAN, DISSING THE HOTEL-MAID UNIFORMS DESIGNED BY THE OPPOSING TEAM, ON THE APPRENTICE
''According to a new study, the idea that children have 'baby fat' that they usually outgrow is a myth....You fat, lazy babies.''
TINA FEY, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''This week, a man from New Zealand who is a double amputee climbed to the top of Mount Everest. After reaching the top, the man screamed, 'Take that, single amputees!' ''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT