''The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can pair it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses in order to establish the extent of his influence, and, if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections.''
JON STEWART, ON THE DAILY SHOW
''There's an intrinsic grace and dignity and class about you...three drinks ago.''
''LOVE COACH'' TERESA STRASSER CRITIQUING THE SINGLE (AND DRUNK) KRIS, ON HOW TO GET THE GUY
''Next week, 88-year-old Senator Robert Byrd will become the longest-serving U.S. senator in American history. When asked if he was still capable of conducting the business of state, the 88-year-old senator said, 'I like lemons.' ''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''President Bush has been hard at work trying to make it illegal for gay people to get married. It's a suspicious move for an ex–male cheerleader.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
''Oh, a piss puddle. I must've missed that when I sat down.''
CALAMITY JANE (ROBIN WEIGERT), AFTER WAKING UP ON THE FLOOR, DRUNK, ON DEADWOOD
''Actually that's not Botox. They had to replace the rivets in her head to keep her face from trying to escape from her brain.''
JOEL McHALE, AFTER WATCHING A JANICE DICKENSON MODELING AGENCY CLIP IN WHICH DICKENSON GOT BOTOX INJECTIONS, ON THE SOUP