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Scott Brown's Hit List

By Scott Brown

Scott Brown

Scott Brown is a senior writer for EW and a frequent contributor to National Public Radio -- he has the tote bag to prove it

1 VH1 reality show searches for white rappers It's affirmative action set to a beat I can't dance to.

2 Updated Conan the Barbarian movie planned Emo the Barbarian will star a doe-eyed Jake Gyllenhaal.

3 Britney tearfully pleads for privacy On national television.

4 Reports allege Bruce Willis accidentally hit paparazzo Is this like when he accidentally committed to Bandits?

5 Soccer matches to be shown in movie theaters For just a dollar more, fans can supersize their post-match riot and enjoy Dolby ''surround vomit.''

6 AFI's ''100 Most Inspiring Films'' snubs Jesus movies ''Oh, come on,'' said the Lamb of God. ''Seabiscuit?''

7 New device combines iPod dock and toilet paper dispenser Now I need never be separated from my Hoobastank.

8 Madonna reportedly wants to take Lindsay Lohan to Israel It is prophesied the coming of a Lohan to the Holy Land will touch off a Time of Clubbing.

9 Zach Braff and Mandy Moore rumored to have split The press release comes in the form of this great Shins song that, like, totally sums it all up.

10 Spider-Man unmasked I know, I know — how do I manage 10 mediocre jokes a week AND fight evil? Soy milk, kids.

Posted Jun 23, 2006 | Published in issue #884-885 Jun 30, 2006 | Order Article Reprints