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''Naomi Campbell is being sued for abusing yet another housekeeper. In Naomi’s defense, the maid had a lot of nerve walking around with her un-punched head.''
DAVID SPADE, ON THE SHOWBIZ SHOW
''Do you remember, like, how big of a deal six months used to be? Like if you were in high school and you were a good girl, like, at six months you gave it up.''
LAUREN, DISCUSSING FRIEND HEIDI’S HALF-YEAR DATING ANNIVERSARY, ON THE HILLS
''David Hasselhoff underwent emergency surgery to repair a sliced tendon in his arm after a freak shaving accident in London. One account says he was cut by a chandelier, while another claims a glass shelf cut him. But the most plausible explanation is that the mirror finally decided to start fighting back.''
JOEL McHALE, ON THE SOUP
''America might like Janelle. I hate her. I’m probably gonna pull her out by her fake hair and her fake boobs and drown her in the pool.''
ALISON, ON BIG BROTHER: ALL-STARS
''So the World Cup is over and now we can finally get back to our national pastime, which is not watching soccer.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
''Improvising doesn't bother me....They've just gotta know exactly what they're gonna do.''
JUDGE NIGEL LYTHGOE, EXPLAINING HOW THE DANCERS SHOULD (OR SHOULDN'T) PLAN THEIR SOLOS, ON SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
''Britney Spears announced she's thinking of moving from Beverly Hills to Louisiana. Meanwhile, Kevin Federline announced he's thinking of moving from the couch in the living room to the couch in the den.''
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
