The Terror Diet

Don't eat the pork.
It's probably okay, and it tastes great, but who really knows when it's cooked enough? Very likely you can't spell trichinosis, but I bet you can spell ''little tiny worms falling out of your nose.'' I got that myth from my grampy. Gosh, aren't old folks great?

Don't eat the chicken.
Poultry farmers are in the habit of dosing their flocks with antibiotics. The antibiotics cure things like E. coli, which is good for the chickens and turkeys. They may cause other kinds of bacteria to build up resistant strains in the birds, however — think of bugs bulking up in a kind of antibiotic Gold's Gym — and this could cause serious problems for humans. The kind where you don't want to be more than a five-yard dash from the bathroom for, say, three weeks.

Don't eat the salad.
At least not until you wash it a zillion times...and even then...gee...pesticides... contaminated water supplies (maybe used on the prewashed kind of salad you see bagged up neatly in the supermarket)...plus who knows who handled it? Or how much they were coughing when they did it? Not saying those healthy-looking greens are a ticking time bomb, just — you know — asking.

Don't drink the milk.
Cow's milk can be full of allergens, fat, cholesterol, antibiotics, and hormones. Various writers on the Web get all steamed up about the dangers of cow's milk. One of them (Dave Rietz, at Notmilk.com) actually suggested milk is a ''fuel cell'' for cancer. EEEK!

Don't drink the water.
According to the Natural Resources Defense Council, ''as many as 7 million Americans get sick every year from drinking or swimming in water contaminated with bacteria, viruses, or parasites.'' My diet book will ask the simple question ''Do you feel lucky, punk?''

I can hear America dropping calories by the cartload already, slimming on the aerobic values of pure fear. It's a great sound. Plus, it's nice to think of playing to strengths I already have while carving my own slice of a brand-new market.

Speaking of slices, have we talked about the dangers of bread?