Sound Bites

Sound Bites

TV's funniest lines from Aug. 2 to 8. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

Image credit: Norman Ng

''This week a lab report found that Tour de France winner Floyd Landis had too much testosterone in his body during the race. In Landis' defense, everyone seems like they're full of testosterone when they're surrounded by Frenchmen.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''You can't use food as a crutch. Unless it's a six-foot-tall stick of beef jerky. But even then you need two of them.''
JON STEWART, TALKING ABOUT PRESIDENT BUSH'S FIVE-POUND WEIGHT GAIN, ON THE DAILY SHOW

''We got confirmation from her spokesperson that Madonna does indeed make an unusual request regarding her dressing rooms every night she is on tour. The singer must get a brand-new toilet seat, inspected beforehand by her minions, and installed with an unbroken seal. Each toilet seat gets destroyed after its one special night — like a virgin toilet, flushed for the very first time.''
KEITH OLBERMANN, ON COUNTDOWN

''I feel happy. Everybody cool. That one girl...she a little drunk and wobbly. But...she cool, too. I like drunk and wobbly people. They a'ight. She might end up sleeping in the toilet, though.''
BUCKWILD, DESCRIBING COMPETITOR TOASTEE, ON FLAVOR OF LOVE 2

''You look like you died in 1983.''
TURTLE (JERRY FERRARA) TO DRAMA (KEVIN DILLON) AFTER DRAMA ASKED HOW RELAXED HE LOOKED POST-MASSAGE, ON ENTOURAGE

''We were all happy with Angela's fabric selection. It was more appropriate for this challenge than the full-tilt boogie Angela quilted extravaganza of puff.'' LAURA, REFERRING TO TEAM LEADER ANGELA'S EARLIER OUT-THERE DESIGNS, ON PROJECT RUNWAY

''I've seen this thing in postcards that rich people send me to make me feel bad about my life.''
''TEAM GENIUS'' MEMBER FRANCIS, UPON ENTERING MANHATTAN'S WALDORF-ASTORIA HOTEL, ON TREASURE HUNTERS

''Feminist author Linda Hirshman is here. I'll explain to her that a woman needs a man like a fish needs to be cooked and served to me for dinner by a woman on a bicycle.''
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT

''You'd love jail. You could work out, wear ugly clothes, kiss boys...''
WILL, COMMENTING ON THE UNFULFILLED CRIMINAL POTENTIAL OF HIS IN-HOUSE HARASSER HOWIE, ON BIG BROTHER: ALL-STARS

Originally posted Aug 11, 2006 Published in issue #891-892 Aug 18, 2006 Order article reprints