Sound Bites

Sound Bites

TV's funniest lines from August 8 to 14. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

Image credit: Dave Navarro: Robert Voets

''If this show was called Rock Star: Planet Pluto, you would win by a landslide.''
DAVE NAVARRO, TO THE ALWAYS UNIQUE ZAYRA AFTER HER PERFORMANCE ON ROCK STAR: SUPERNOVA

''I think I speak for everybody when I say that vegetarian pigs in a blanket are bulls---.''
DOUG (KEVIN NEALON), COMPLAINING ABOUT THE QUALITY OF THE HORS D'OEUVRES AT THE CITY COUNCIL MEETINGS, ON WEEDS

''Senator Joe Lieberman is running as what he calls an 'independent Democrat,' which, if I'm not mistaken, is the political equivalent of a labradoodle.''
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT

''You know what's scary about this? It's that they're sober.''
DANIELLE, WHILE WATCHING FELLOW ALL-STARS HOWIE, JANELLE, WILL, AND BOOGIE ACT OUT A GLAM ROCK VIDEO ON BIG BROTHER: ALL-STARS

''In a recent interview, Jessica Simpson is quoted as saying, 'I have amazing boobs.' Unfortunately, Jessica was responding to a question, 'What do you think about the conflict in the Middle East?' ''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''In the increasingly bitter divorce between Paul McCartney and former wife Heather Mills, it's been revealed that McCartney has frozen the couple's joint bank account and changed the locks on their house. McCartney took the further step of protecting his valuables by surrounding them with his solo albums.'' JOEL McHALE, ON THE SOUP

''You're vibrant! You're more vibrant than a vibrator.''
SPUNKEEY, TO FLAVOR FLAV, ON FLAVOR OF LOVE 2

''I got 40 grand riding on finding Saigon in the next four hours. If I don't, I'm going to kill myself by eating all your Propecia pills.''
TURTLE (JERRY FERRARA) TO DRAMA (KEVIN DILLON), ON ENTOURAGE

Originally posted Aug 18, 2006 Published in issue #893 Aug 25, 2006 Order article reprints
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