Ethnic at Night

''Survivor'' kicks off its race-based edition

There was no rioting in the street. Civilization did not come to a grinding halt. Jeff Probst was not forced as punishment to prepare shrimp toast and pupu platters on the Martha Stewart show...Actually, scratch that last one, but Survivor: Cook Islands finally premiered last night, and I'm pretty sure those two other things did not happen. (Although I would like to take this opportunity to announce that because of the controversial nature of this week's column, Milwaukee's Best has pulled out of being an official sponsor of the EW Survivor TV Watch. In a statement released by a company spokesperson, the brewery stated, ''We never sponsored that lunatic Ross to begin with. It's all in his head. In fact, we offered to pay him to stop talking about us, but...'' Okay, okay, I think you get the picture. In any event, from now on, the EW Survivor TV Watch will be sponsored by the smooth, delicious taste of Pabst Blue Ribbon.)

Look, anyone who read my article in Entertainment Weekly or saw me chillin' with the ''shocked'' and ''dismayed'' Harry Smith on The Early Show knows I had serious reservations about the racially divided format of Cook Islands. And I still do. But I'm not going to sit and dwell on right and wrong for 14 weeks. I will say this, however: As far as theater goes, episode 1 was pretty damn good, starting right with the brutal opening on the choppy high seas, which included some hardcore vomiting among both cast and crew that did not make it to the final edit. It was also nice to see Probst go all old school on us and ditch the hat, although that happened simply because it was casting too much of a shadow. Whatever — we'll take it.

Beyond the whole Is this the most offensive stunt in TV history? thing, my other concern was that the producers would be so worried about being too negative that the show would turn into some feel-good hand-holding exercise completely devoid of drama. I'm not saying I wanted people running around hurling racial slurs, but if they were truly going to examine the issue of race, I wanted to make sure it wasn't all packaged neatly with a bow on top, because discussions on race rarely are. Yet the Asian tribe had not even made it to the island and already Cao Boi was being admonished by his tribe for ''making stereotypes'' when joking about Asians being small. ''What's fact is fact,'' he replied. (And, for those of you keeping track on the Survivor stereotype tote board, yes, the Asian tribe did finish the challenge puzzle the fastest, and no, the black people were not able to paddle. Not commenting, just pointing out, especially since the producers have repeatedly mentioned how this season is about smashing such stereotypes.)

You also had Billy with the quote of the night: ''I don't know about you,'' said the Dominican-American death-metal guitarist, ''but I feel this is ass backward, like our parents got on a raft — at least my parents did — and paddled away from an island just so I could have a good life, and here I am paddling back to an island.'' The point is, the show is not shying away from showing some strife and humor. Doing so would have made the whole thing merely offensively boring.

Here are a few other tidbits and impressions I can share from my time on location:

1. If Cao Boi seemed crazy — especially when he disfigured Brad's face — it's because...well, he is! But in an oddly charming way. Charming enough to keep should they lose a challenge? Probably not, but the guy is full of entertaining — if slightly embellished — stories.

2. Speaking of the Asian tribe (I could call them Puka Puka, but really, what's the point?), one thing you don't really get to see in the episode is how incredible their camp is, almost as impressive as the ''Older Men'' one from last season. They even managed to construct a pretty impressive chicken trap. The worst camp? That would belong to the whites. They basically have no shelter whatsoever to speak of, and you saw what happened when Flicka tried to check on the chickens. I can only assume the rest of her tribe wanted to flicka her off after that disaster.

3. The moment after the challenge when Jeff called out Sekou and Nathan for not including the ladies in their decision to send Jonathan to Exile Island may not have seemed like a huge deal in the episode, but being there, I can tell you, it definitely was. I'm not saying the vote would have been any different if Jeff hadn't said something (as he should have, by the way — it was blatantly obvious to everyone there), but it did pretty much seal the deal for Sekou's departure. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: You have to play Jeff Probst just as much as — if not more than — any other element in the game.

4. I know what you're all wondering out there, people: Now that Sally Schumann has come and gone, who is Dalton's pathetic Survivor crush going to be this time around? Well, Flicka has the Schumann knee-high sock action going, but the roller girl might be a little too wavy gravy. Parvati is definitely hot, but she's also a boxer and could kick my ass, so that's no good. Becky is attractive, but she calls herself Bossy Becky, so I'm not so sure how that would work out. And then there is Cristina, who is a freakin' police officer and once got shot in the arm. So many tough ladies. And I am such a weak man. I might need a few more episodes to figure this one out.

What do you think? Did Survivor: Cook Islands live up — or down — to the hype? Does Cao Boi need to chill out? Are there any worthy successors to the throne of Sally? And remember, next time you reach for a cold one, make it a Pabst Blue Ribbon. That's Pabst, the beer drinker's beer.