News Article

Scott Brown's Hit List

The 10 hottest topics for the week of September 29, 2006

1 Man allegedly impersonates federal agent to win job as Brangelina bodyguard If he wanted to get in the door, he should've tried impersonating an orphan.

2 Elton John ends feud with George Michael The two have arrived at a doctrine of mutually assured irrelevance.

3 Woman accused of hiring hitman to whack lover's MySpace friend Worse, she found the contract killer on Friendster.

4 Oprah does not want to be president At least, not until her appointment as Oprah for Life runs out.

5 Alec Baldwin says Kim Basinger compared him to Saddam Hussein Baldwin admits to decimating a Kurdish village in the '80s (''Who didn't?''), but cites his ''better hair.''

6 Beatles albums to be made into stamps Careful: I licked a Yes album once and became convinced I was postmaster general.

7 Post-Whitney Houston Bobby Brown to rejoin New Edition for reunion concert The Shenkman bar mitzvah is in for a serious treat.

8 Bruce Willis says he has just as many Democratic ideas as Republican ones Which kind of idea was Bandits?

9 Russia reportedly refuses to shoot Madonna into space In a compromise, they will fire her in the general direction of Chechnya.

10 Identity of Lonelygirl15 revealed Thank you for all the cards, letters, and naked pictures of yourselves.

Originally posted Sep 22, 2006 Published in issue #899 Sep 29, 2006 Order article reprints