Sound Bites

Sound Bites

TV's funniest lines from Sept. 12 to 18. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

Image credit: Two and Half Men: Robert Voets

''We're on a tight schedule here. Tina's got homework. Cindy's gotta meet her fiancé. And Marie, well, Marie's on the clock.''
CHARLIE (CHARLIE SHEEN), WHILE IN BED WITH THREE WOMEN, ON TWO AND A HALF MEN

''I was a great drummer, and now I'm nothing! Just like Phil Collins.''
BART, AFTER HE GETS HIS ARM MAULED BY A TIGER, ON THE SIMPSONS

''At what point did you say to yourself, 'I want to know things no one cares about'?''
STEPHEN COLBERT, TO JEOPARDY! CHAMP KEN JENNINGS, ON THE COLBERT REPORT

''I feel like this is ass-backward, like our parents got on a raft…and paddled their way away from an island just so I could have a good life, and here I am paddling back to an island.''
DOMINICAN-AMERICAN BILLY, ON SURVIVOR: COOK ISLANDS

''Bravo has announced that next season they'll be broadcasting an all-gay version of The View. After hearing about it, gay men said, 'We thought The View was the gay version of The View.' ''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''The Great Wall of China.''
CONTESTANT KIMBERLY, HELPFULLY BEING MORE SPECIFIC TO A BEIJING CABBIE AFTER REQUESTING THAT HE DRIVE TO ''THE GREAT WALL,'' ON THE AMAZING RACE

Originally posted Sep 22, 2006 Published in issue #899 Sep 29, 2006 Order article reprints