1 New book says Madonna dirty-talked JFK Jr. on the phone This was during that awkward transition between her ''Marilyn phase'' and her ''telemarketer phase.''
2 Paris Hilton tells police she's not that smart Thus concludes the briefest investigation in department history.
3 Famously bad director Uwe Boll boxes critics Joel Siegel took a right to the chin and spit out a little blurb: ''Action-packed!''
4 Carmen Electra to reveal sexy secrets Is there anything left to reveal? Geez, I find myself dressing this woman with my eyes.
5 Lou Diamond Phillips charged with domestic battery A new keynote speaker will have to be found for the Annual Young Gun-lumni Barbecue and Job Fair.
6 Keith Richards reportedly drunk on set of Pirates 3 I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure Keith Richards hasn't been ''reportedly'' drunk in several decades.
7 Mel Gibson screens Apocalypto in Native American casino It was an environment where he felt comfortable except for that Little Featherbaum, giving him the stink-eye.
8 Hulk Hogan urges stricter laws against cockfights After being soundly beaten in one.
9 Nicolas Cage movie stopped by Thai coup If it takes a Thai coup to stop Nicolas Cage from making a movie, the U.N. is prepared to turn a blind eye.
10 Rosie O'Donnell bares breasts Long Island evacuated.