''This is ridiculous! I mean, who am I disturbing? It's a coma ward! Don't you want them to wake up?''
SUSAN (TERI HATCHER), UPON BEING ESCORTED OUT OF THE HOSPITAL, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
''Do you know how many curly-haired, effete sycophants there are waiting to replace you?''
WILHELMINA (VANESSA WILLIAMS), PUTTING HER ASSISTANT MARC (MICHAEL URIE) ON NOTICE, ON UGLY BETTY
''Earlier today, NBC was expected to announce massive layoffs. In a related story, I'd like to introduce the Max Weinberg 3.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''On Tuesday, the U.S. population hit 300 million. 'Oh, that's so cute!' said China.''
AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''Whitney Houston has now officially filed for a divorce from Bobby Brown. She cited irreconcilable similarities.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
''You are so lucky that I am the only Republican who doesn't own a gun.''
KITTY (CALISTA FLOCKHART), AFTER BEING STARTLED BY JONATHAN (MATTHEW SETTLE), ON BROTHERS & SISTERS
''Young man, I don't know where that's been, but I can say with absolute certainty it won't be going anywhere near my mouth.''
EMILY (KELLY BISHOP), WHEN ASKED TO BLOW INTO A BREATHALYZER BY A POLICE OFFICER, ON GILMORE GIRLS