''The Italians have a saying, Lemon: 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct.''
JACK DONAGHY (ALEC BALDWIN), TO LIZ LEMON (TINA FEY) ON 30 ROCK
''It says, 'Ingredients: Cancer'!''
ANDY DICK, READING A FOOD-COLORING BOTTLE AFTER DYING HIS TONGUE BLACK, ON MARTHA
''Bad enough I can't board first class with my liquid eyeliner, now I have to walk around smelling like...people.''
CLAIRE (JUDITH LIGHT), DECRYING THE RULES AGAINST BRINGING PERFUME TO REHAB, ON UGLY BETTY
''Who controls this thing, Pedro Almodóvar?''
LORELAI (LAUREN GRAHAM) TO CHRISTOPHER (DAVID SUTCLIFFE), UPON DISCOVERING THAT HIS TIVO RECORDS THE VIEW, GIRLFRIENDS, AND SÁBADO GIGANTE, ON GILMORE GIRLS
''The White House announced this week that President Bush will no longer use the phrase 'Stay the course' when speaking about the Iraq war, preferring instead to use the phrase 'Think outside the bun.' ''
AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''A new study shows that the 'freshman 15' weight gain is actually closer to 5 to 7 pounds, as kids are now much better about getting super-fat in grade school.''
SETH MEYERS, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''You'd like it. Puppies get killed.''
SAWYER (JOSH HOLLOWAY), DESCRIBING OF MICE AND MEN TO BUNNY-KILLING HENRY GALE (MICHAEL EMERSON), ON LOST