''The reason that I am so successful is that I do not sweat, and I don't have to go to the bathroom very often. That is the key to my success. Which means that I can be on the air for a very long time....I either have great kidney control, or I don't drink enough water.''
BARBARA WALTERS, REVEALING HER SECRET TO SUCCESS, ON CNBC'S CONVERSATIONS WITH MICHAEL EISNER
''Nancy Pelosi, the likely Speaker of the House, had lunch at the White House Thursday with President Bush. Though, just to rub things in, she left early to have an abortion.''
AMY POEHLER ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''At least this clown didn't ask if I was Jewish.''
ONE COP TO ANOTHER, AFTER RELEASING ALAN (JON CRYER), ON TWO AND A HALF MEN
''The big question is who will get custody of the cigarettes.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON THE IMPENDING DIVORCE OF BRITNEY SPEARS AND KEVIN FEDERLINE, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
''Can I ask you something? Does your ass hurt from straddling the fence like that all the time?''
MATT (MATTHEW PERRY), TO HARRIET (SARAH PAULSEN), ABOUT HER STANCE ON GAY MARRIAGE, ON STUDIO 60
''I always knew the branch would shut down some day; I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.''
JIM (JOHN KRASINSKI), AFTER HEARING THAT THE SCRANTON BUREAU WAS CLOSING, ON THE OFFICE
''It's etiquette, Andrew. No one wants to read the truth at Christmas.''
BREE (MARCIA CROSS), EXPLAINING WHY SHE FUDGES FACTS IN HER HOLIDAY NEWSLETTER, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
''Imagine working in a sweatshop and not even being proud of what you're making.''
WILHELMINA (VANESSA L. WILLIAMS), DISGUSTEDLY PERUSING A RACK OF DISCOUNT-CHAIN FASHIONS, ON UGLY BETTY
''I know I should have told the truth, but sometimes that's hard to do, especially when you have a teeny bit of someone else's tongue in your mouth.''
EARL (JASON LEE), ON MY NAME IS EARL
''This week, Britney Spears announced that she is divorcing Kevin Federline. After hearing about it, Donald Rumsfeld called Britney and said, 'I hear you like unpopular guys who are out of work.' ''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT