''I'm not unpredictable, child. You know I'm going to have a hair weave, a bunch of makeup on, and a dress cinched at my waist.''
TYRA BANKS, TO JUDGE JAY MANUEL, ON AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
''Trust me, Bart it's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them.''
MILHOUSE, TO BART, AFTER BART SAW HIS PARENTS GETTING BUSY, ON THE SIMPSONS
''I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome, and I had to get some of it out.''
BARNEY (NEIL PATRICK HARRIS), DENYING THAT HE HAS A BAD COLD, ON HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
''Many mothers are disappointed that the Yellow Wiggle, Greg Page, is leaving the children's music group the Wiggles, as they see him as a major sex symbol. Also disappointing these women: their husbands.''
AMY POEHLER ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''Wait, wait, wait. Is that a Members Only jacket?''
COACH TAYLOR (KYLE CHANDLER), TO MATT (ZACH GILFORD), WHO HAS SHOWN UP FOR A DATE WITH THE COACH'S DAUGHTER, ON FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
''Hard Rock's CEO gave tribal leaders a guitar that once belonged to Hank Williams. Touching moment. Unfortunately, the guitar was laced with smallpox.''
JON STEWART, DISCUSSING THE SEMINOLE TRIBE'S PURCHASE OF THE HARD ROCK CAFE CHAIN, ON THE DAILY SHOW
''You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever kissed who didn't steal one of my organs afterward.''
KIDNEY THEFT VICTIM LIZ (ROMA MAFFIA), BREAKING UP WITH POPPY (ALANIS MORISSETTE), ON NIP/TUCK
''This week, Taco Bell had to remove several items from their menu because of an E. coli outbreak. The first two items to be removed from the menu were E. Coli Del Grande and E. Coli Supreme.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT