If one were to judge by the single ''Whenever, Wherever,'' with its shameless Latin-pop hook and equally shameless writhing-in-mud video, you'd think this Colombian pop star would be a fireball, a distaff Ricky Martin. You'd be mistaken. Shakira's first English-language album, Laundry Service, is the ultimate in crossover nightmares. Its wan ska-pop, faux-country ballads, and generic rock barely betray a Spanish accent or any musical heritage. (She can't decide if she wants to sound like Alanis or Shania.) It's enough to incite another anti-WTO rally.