''I wanna hold a mirror up to society. And then win world record for biggest mirror.''
TRACY (TRACY MORGAN), ON 30 ROCK
''Angelina Jolie says she would be willing to sit down and talk with Jennifer Aniston. See, Middle East?''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
''Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing — Gary Coleman is going to drown.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''If you're gay, every time you have sex it's premarital sex.''
ROSIE O'DONNELL, ON THE VIEW
''Authorities have ordered Amish families in western New York State to stop employing their teenage children in sawmilling, woodworking, and construction work. Upon hearing the news, one outraged Amish man fired off an angry response, but it didn't get very far, as his BlackBerry is an actual blackberry.''
SETH MEYERS, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
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