So where does that leave us? Assuming that Little David, Rocker David, and Jason brought the biggest fan bases into the top 12, and that Chikezie stood out as inarguably Most Improved — and I'd go so far as to say the best male performance of the evening — that could leave Michael Johns or David Hernandez as a surprise entry in the bottom three this week. No, neither of 'em deserves to go home — that dubious distinction goes to the gal whose name rhymes with Misty Sea — but judging from standard Idol voting patterns, I'd expect one guy to have a little perspiration on his brow during Wednesday's results show.

No, I am not making a crack about Michael's overactive sweat glands. Okay, I am. But other than ragging on his shiny forehead, the worst you can say about Michael's ''Across the Universe'' is that if he were the frontman for your wedding band, or playing your local pub on a night you wanted to hear some live music, you'd feel like you got your money's worth. But just as I'm not going to enter Top Chef on the merits of the very delicious peanut-butter-on-toast breakfast I made myself this morning, neither is Michael going to crack the top half of the pack by offering the type of musical cuisine you can get in any major (or midsize) city in the country.

David H., at least in my opinion, has more to offer than Michael (from a vocal standpoint, I should clarify); unfortunately, his ''I Saw Her Standing There'' delivered none of the vocal power or inherent energy of his ''Papa Was a Rollin' Stone'' or ''It's All Coming Back to Me Now,'' and there was a complete disconnect between David's lounge-tastic delivery and the pop-rock nature of the Beatles number at hand. Even worse, David was so detached from the lyrics he might as well have learned how to say them phonetically in Swedish and delivered 'em that way. It's better than coming off ''corny verging on desperate,'' as Simon accurately put it.

Lucky for David, he's less likely to get booted than Syesha Mercado, Ramiele Malubay, or Kristy Lee Cook. And while it's very clear which one of them gave the worst performance this evening (hint: twisty tree), does it really matter which one of them pays the price on Wednesday night? Okay, it does a little. Syesha's ''Got to Get You Into My Life'' was at least passable but also pitchy and, perhaps most dangerous of all, entirely forgettable. Don't be surprised if she's the first one voted off Idol Island. Ramiele's ''In My Life'' was so inert I actually found myself hypnotized by the synchronized hand waving from the soulless folks at the front of the stage, and then by her very intense dewy-rose lip gloss. But guess what? She's better than that, the judges say! Aw, and she crinkles her nose real cute when she's getting criticized. Ramiele is sad, people! Can you please give her a sympathy vote? I know some of you gave her two, so don't even try to pretend.

Which leaves us at the bottom of our pecking order with Kristy Lee. (Anyone else remember the song ''Christie Lee,'' from Billy Joel's 1983 album An Innocent Man? Yeah, I'm trying to delay thinking about the very terrible things K.L. did to ''Eight Days a Week.'' Was it that obvious?)

Okay, let's get to it: Kristy Lee's country-fication of a classic Beatles tune reminded me of the out-of-control merry-go-round at the end of Hitchcock's Strangers on a Train. It kept going faster and faster and faster, and I saw brief images of a trail horse, or a carousel pony, and people were screaming, children I think, and — for the love of God, somebody make it stop!

Alas, it did not. And the only way Kristy Lee's valiant but tragically misguided performance would have made sense would have been if a square-dance caller had emerged from stage left and do-si-do'd Ms. Cook right off the stage. But instead, we found Paula Abdul — yes, the queen of breaking it to 'em gently — beginning her critique by saying, ''I didn't like it, and I'll tell you why.'' And if that's not enough to get Kristy Lee ousted from the competition, then Syesha or David H. or Ramiele has every right to commit an FCC violation during Wednesday night's results show.

So what did you think of the first night of the Idol finals? Were you as impressed with the top-rung performances as I was? And were you as underwhelmed by the new set and graphics as me? Did you pick up the phone and vote for anyone? And who will (and should) go home this week?

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