''I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but fashion-wise, that boy died years ago.''
JOY (JAIME PRESSLY), ABOUT A RECENTLY DECEASED NERD SHE'D ONCE KIDNAPPED, ON MY NAME IS EARL
''Let's retire bro from the bedroom.''
KEVIN (MATTHEW RHYS), TO HIS CLOSETED PARAMOUR CHAD (JASON LEWIS), ON BROTHERS & SISTERS
''What do you think sounds like the better idea for a new show? A talk show without a host, just the voice of the dead lady from Desperate Housewives, or a reality show with a lot of superhot nannies who move into a house and help fat kids lose weight?''
JACK (ALEC BALDWIN), ON 30 ROCK
''Maybe Oprah can adopt us!''
JUSTIN (MARK INDELICATO), AFTER BETTY (AMERICA FERRERA) AND HER SISTER, HILDA (ANA ORTIZ), FIND THEMSELVES OUT OF WORK, ON UGLY BETTY
''I anxiously await the release of your first film, Bend It Like Beckham 2: Bend It Exactly Like Beckham, Because You Are Him.''
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON DAVID BECKHAM'S RUMORED INTEREST IN PURSUING ACTING, ON THE COLBERT REPORT
''During an interview with 60 Minutes on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, 'We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.' Said the Iraqi people, 'We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up.' ''
AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''O.J. Simpson's agent says that O.J. has at least three offers from publishers who want O.J. to write his memoirs. O.J.'s book will be called Tuesdays with Stabby.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT