''Ahhh, Billy. After the Arctic and the Pacific, you're my favorite ocean.''
JD (ZACH BRAFF), WHILE LISTENING TO ''CARIBBEAN QUEEN (NO MORE LOVE ON THE RUN)'' ON SCRUBS
''My mother used to tell me every day is my birthday...but that was to cover for her addiction to beer and cake. It ended up killing her, on what turned out to be my real birthday.''
JAY (JAY JOHNSTON), ON THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM
''We know Rob and Amber because obviously, we live on the planet.''
OSWALD, DESCRIBING HIS REALITY-SHOW VETERAN COMPETITORS, ON THE AMAZING RACE: ALL-STARS
''According to a new survey, 26% of people say they have a crush on someone they work with. Unfortunately, the survey was taken at NASA.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Yeah, if you're a Smurf''
BARNEY (NEIL PATRICK HARRIS), RESPONDING TO LILY'S ASSERTION THAT FRIENDS ARE SUPPOSED TO ''MAKE EACH OTHER FEEL GOOD,'' ON HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
''You may be new at being a woman but you're an old pro at being a bitch.''
WILHEMINA (VANESSA WILLIAMS) TO ALEXIS (REBECCA ROMIJN), ON UGLY BETTY
''I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.''
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), WHO THINKS JIM (JOHN KRASINSKI) IS TURNING INTO A VAMPIRE, ON THE OFFICE
''Basketball star Tim Hardaway has been banned from all future NBA appearances after announcing that he hates gay people. Surprising talk coming from a player known for his ball-handling.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE