''I'm just trying to figure out which Gilmore Girl you are.''
VERONICA (KRISTEN BELL), TO WALLACE (PERCY DAGGS III) WHEN HE SHARES GOSSIP ABOUT HER EX-BOYFRIEND LOGAN, ON VERONICA MARS
''In Los Angeles, a Catholic-school principal is making his students go to sensitivity training because they started chanting 'We love Jesus!' during a basketball game against a Jewish school. In defense of the students, Jesus had just hit two really clutch free throws.''
CONAN O'BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT
''You know you have a problem when the hottest body in your movie belongs to William H. Macy.''
CRAIG FERGUSON, ON THE OLDER, MOSTLY MALE CAST OF THE BUDDY ROAD MOVIE WILD HOGS, ON THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON
''I am a little bit jealous, you're right. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go do whatever I feel like doing, all the time.''
RUSSELL (DAVID SPADE), AFTER HIS FRIENDS ACCUSED HIM OF WISHING HE WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP, ON RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
''Now as you may have read in Robert Parker's wine newsletter, Donaghy Estates tastes like the urine of Satan after a hefty portion of asparagus.''
JACK DONAGHY (ALEC BALDWIN) ATTEMPTING TO PLUG HIS WINE, ON 30 ROCK
''She adopted her first child in Cambodia, her second in Ethiopia, gave birth to her third in Namibia, and now from Vietnam. She's working her way down the alphabet. Stay cool, Yemen, she’s coming.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, DISCUSSING ANGELINA JOLIE, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE