TV Recap

Nonmoving Violation

On ''Survivor,'' the members of Moto blow their numerical advantage in order to keep a roof over their heads; meanwhile, at Ravu, Rocky starts to lose it

Survivor | ROCKY HORROR He needs to get a grip
Image credit: Survivor Fiji: Monty Brinton
ROCKY HORROR He needs to get a grip

''Survivor'': You can't fix stupid

Basically, the choice came down to this — a statistically better shot at a million dollars or a few pillows. The Moto tribe members, obviously not content to be seen merely as pampered bores, decided it would be kind of cool to transform themselves into stupid pampered bores. And don't even start, dear reader! Don't sit there and tell me it was a smart move for them to give up immunity to keep their plush digs because it will ensure they are that much stronger to keep dominating Ravu in challenges. That's phony baloney. If they had kept their immunity, they would have had a two-person advantage, also allowing them to sit their two weakest players out come challenge time. But by giving it up, they not only evened the game but also sowed the seeds of discontent within their own tribe. And then to make things even worse, they got rid of the hottest chick in the game! In a season lacking many stunning ladies to begin with, this was especially wrong.

Of course, Liliana's fatal flaw was making porno noises while administering back rubs and threatening to remove her shirt. We've seen some contestants (like Parvati and my Survivor: Live cohost Jenna Morasca) turn flirting into an art form, but it doesn't work so well when it pisses off all the other women in your tribe. Notice how all the women in that little Moto strategic powwow wanted Liliana gone while all the dudes were leaning toward the less backrub-proficient Cassandra. Coincidence? Me thinks not.

Of course, that wasn't the only drama going on over at Moto. You also had Gary looking completely miserable. He described his condition as being worse than when he had malaria. Not only am I not gonna front on the dude, but I'm even gonna summon up all of my decency and good taste — which, granted is not very much — to refrain from making a crack about Gary's attending physician, Dr. Ado (who has admitted to misconduct concerning drugs), and how he should have reached into his secret stash to give Papa Smurf something to make him feel truly smurfy all over, if you know what I'm saying....Drugs! I'm talking about drugs!

As for Ravu, they still suck. Rocky began the proceedings by referring to women as broads and calling Anthony a crybaby. Anthony responded by...well, crying to the camera. But it was a fierce cry! Rocky also responded to losing the touchy-feely, huggy-huggy reward challenge — basically designed to give us shots of Michelle gripping Rita's breasts — by throwing rocks around and insisting everyone address the losing situation. Then, apparently after shifting gears, he decided it would be better to go naked and, finally, dress in island drag ''to get the focus off losing five in a row.'' So, he's not exactly what you would call a ''consistent'' man.

And herein lies the problem with Survivor: Fiji. We have one dysfunctional tribe, Ravu, filled with people we don't like all that much, and then another, Moto, filled with people we don't know (seriously, how many interviews did Liliana have before she got booted?) who are living high on the hog and bragging about how easy everything is. (And on top of that, we now find out that they are also stupid.) So remind me again — who are we supposed to be rooting for? Maybe when it gets to an individual game, that will change, but when challenges happen now, I just don't care. Seriously, the most entertaining thing about them is seeing if I can shotgun a whole Milwaukee's Best before Rocky makes his first pained, woe-is-me facial expression. (Half a can is as far as I've made it up till now.) Well, I guess it could be worse. At least I'm not wasting an hour of my life just to see which subpar singers got kicked off of American Idol.

What do you think? Did Moto blow it by giving up immunity to stay at their camp? Were the ladies jealous of Liliana? And is Rocky on the verge — or past it — of a mental breakdown? Post away!

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Originally posted Mar 02, 2007