''NBC announced Monday it will once again renew its long-running drama series Law & Order. Which, as near as I can tell, is about a kindly old grandfather who teaches cynicism to a series of supermodels.''
AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''Oh, please don't become one of those 'I had a heart attack, let me express my every thought' types.''
EMILY (KELLY BUSHOP), AS HER HUSBAND, RICHARD (EDWARD HERRMANN), BEGINS TO WAX SENTIMENTAL ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER, ON GILMORE GIRLS
''It's like the first 15 minutes of Extreme Home Makeover.''
KEVIN (MATTHEW RHYS), DISMISSING THE DÉCOR OF A BANQUET HALL, ON BROTHERS & SISTERS
''Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.''
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), ON THE OFFICE
''You are such a chick flick. I would totally pay $12 to see you.''
MOVIE-OBSESSED DENTAL HYGIENIST DIANA (KRISTIN CHENOWETH) TO BETTY (AMERICA FERRERA), ON UGLY BETTY
''Paris Hilton could spend less than half of her 45-day sentence in jail because it's too crowded. Is it really too crowded? Or is it kind of empty inside and you’re just pretending it’s full to make it seem cool? 'Oh, there’s a line. It must be hip. I gotta get in!' Nice try, jail I don't buy it.''
DAVID SPADE, ON THE SHOWBIZ SHOW
''Anheuser-Busch has been accused of creating a new alcoholic drink designed to appeal to underage drinkers. The critics may have a point because the new drink is called Harry Potter and the Malt Liquor.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT