TV Recap

Making Degrade

On the season finale of ''The Real World,'' the housemates cram in some last-minute hookups, drunkenness, and prurience

HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 60 MINUTES Davis spent the hour cheating on his boyfriend
HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 60 MINUTES Davis spent the hour cheating on his boyfriend

''The Real World'': A long, dirty goodbye

If there's one thing I've noticed about every season I've watched of The Real World (which is probably all 18 of them), it's that no matter how much of an ass these people make of themselves or how many absurd things happen every week, I'm still a teeny bit sad when they say their final goodbyes.

As most of you TV Watchers who have stuck with me throughout this Denver adventure know, I haven't been the biggest fan of these seven strangers. But there was just something in the way they talked about how much they've learned about themselves and life during their confessionals at the end of this special hour-long season finale that struck a chord with me. I truly wanted to believe that Brooke was more confident and that Davis was more accepting of his sexual orientation. Of course, the minute the credits rolled, I snapped out of it and, well, realized it was probably just a load of BS. But before I get ahead of myself here, let's take a look at what led up to the touching farewells.

So the kids unloaded their luggage from Thailand and immediately hit the Denver bars in order to pack in as much quality time as possible before moving-out day. For Davis, that meant hooking up — er, hanging out — with a friend named Josh, who we learned had made out with Davis before. While Davis and Josh rolled around in bed together, Brooke, Colie, and Jenn decided to sneak in and observe (as if it were some science experiment or something). As much as I thought it was disrespectful of the girls to invade Davis' privacy like that, I had to laugh at Colie's awestruck face when she walked downstairs and said, ''I just saw s--- that I've never f---in' seen in my life.'' The roomies went on to discuss what positions were being used, which, needless to say, was too much information for the straight guys of the house. ''You don't have to go into that detail,'' Stephen said to Jenn. ''As a matter of fact, I have to go outside. I gotta go play basketball or something.'' Way to reinstate your masculinity.

Once the alcohol wore off, Davis started to realize what he had done. When he spoke with his boyfriend, P.J., on the phone, P.J. mentioned he was freaked out by a message some girl had written on Josh's MySpace page that said, ''It was so cool hanging out with you Thursday night. I'm so glad I could suit your needs. I knew you two would hit it off.'' Apparently P.J. should be a private detective because his suspicion that the message was about Davis was correct, and the two broke up.

Speaking of cheating on your significant other back home, two names come to mind: Jenn and Stephen. The two had been getting really close, so close in fact that it was hard to distinguish if they had actually crossed the friendship line or they were just constantly in bed together because they truly enjoyed each other's company. Oh, who am I kidding? They so hooked up. It's Jenn we're talking about here; she doesn't exactly have a clean track record when it comes to cheating. And Stephen, well, after his comment last week about Jenn's boobs being nice, we just knew something was bound to happen. Props to the lovebirds, though, for downplaying their budding relationship in the house. Stephen even tried to convince an all-knowing Brooke that nothing had happened and that Jenn was like a little sister to him. The devout Christian that he is, Stephen raced off to church as soon as could in order to clear his conscience. Anyone else think it was funny that the church was named Saint Stephen?

''If we had been this close at the very beginning, I don't know what our relationships would've been like back home,'' Stephen told the camera. ''For that reason I'm glad that we just got close, you know, these last two weeks.'' It's a little cute that he's naive enough to think that he and Jenn could've actually had something meaningful while in Denver.

For their last night, Colie read aloud some lame poem she had written (ending classily with ''Let's get f---ed up and drink some beer''), and the roommates headed out for a final drunken night. Brooke was given the job of choosing superlatives for each of the roommates, and I've decided to give her awards a little tweaking:

For Tyrie, Brooke said: Most Heartwarming. I say: Best Comic Relief.

For Alex, Brooke said: Most Thought Provoking. I say: Most Likely to Turn Out to Be Gay.

For Davis, Brooke said: Most Enjoyable. I say: Most Likely to Turn Out to Be Straight.

For Jenn, Brooke said: Most Inspiring. I say: a tie between Most in Need of a Makeover and Most Likely to Get Divorced at Least Three Times.

For Stephen, Brooke said: Most Relatable. I say: Biggest Waste of Space.

For Colie, Brooke said: Most Surprising. I say: Most Likely to Have a Hard Time Choosing Between Alcoholics Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous.

For herself, Brooke said: Most Evolving. I say: Most in Need of Anger Management.

And then came the part where they said their goodbyes. I always find it sorta funny that the RW cast members arrive with one suitcase and leave with at least five, but then again, I'm probably the only viewer who notices such things. Anyway, as usual, the roommates departed in a distinct order probably set by the producers in the hopes of dragging out the drama even more. The ''lovers'' tend to get picked up at the same time, so Colie and Alex left together. And the last one to leave is typically the one ''most changed by the experience.'' This time around, it was Brooke, who really sounded sincere when she said, ''I feel like I'm alive again. I did not feel alive before I came here, and I feel alive now.''

Well, TV Watchers, looks like we've reached the end of our time together, but before I go, here's a look back on the top 10 moments of the most graphic RW season ever:

1. Tyrie gets arrested after peeing on the fence outside the house.

2. Colie shares her political philosophy: '''For Pres. Bill Clinton, oral sex is not sex, and I take all of my sexual advice from Bill Clinton.''

3. The roommates take turns peeing on Brooke's foot after she claimed a jellyfish stung her.

4. The great nail-salon debacle of 2006: Brooke has a meltdown when she can't find the salon, then wigs out when Ty jokes around with her for using the word ''ghetto.''

5. The roommates learn how to poop in the woods during Outward Bound training.

6. Brooke subsequently wipes herself in front of everyone at the camp.

7. Jared learns that Jenn not only lied about how many times she slept with Alex but also slept with John and Darnell, as well.

8. The idea of going on a bowling date reduces Brooke to tears.

9. After Alex and Jenn spends the night together, Alex's friend, Brett, states his theory about dating housemates: ''You don't s--- where you sleep.'' By having sex with Jenn, Brett said, Alex was ''f---ing taking a diarrhea dump where he f---ing sleeps.''

10. The girls sit in on Davis having sex with another guy and then talk about the various positions used.

All right, kids, I'll leave you with a few questions: What should I have put on my top 10 list? What superlatives would you have given to each of the roommates? Is there any cast member you hope to never see on TV again? And are you as happy as I am that this season is finally over?

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Originally posted May 17, 2007